Dysfunction....Denial....and Justification

I really don't want those of you who are following this blog to think that this will always just be a negative tirade about how bad my life has sucked. The things that I have dealt with, have had  a lasting impact on my mind, body, and soul. So much so,  that it is still affecting me to this day. That is why I am here. In the hopes of  "exercising the demons" so to speak. My issues are just that.....MINE and I don't want them anymore. I am a work in progress, and this is just one more step in that direction. This is my story, and it is going to take a LONG time to get to the end.

You know, I have heard that panic attacks and anxiety are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and I have also heard that it is basically a "behavioral disorder" in all the research I have done about it, I have never really came up with a clear answer. I do know that for ME I think its a little bit genetics, and a lot the way I was treated when I was growing up.

I think I got dealt a shitty hand right from the beginning. I was born into dysfunction, so I didn't stand a chance right from the start.  My dad was raised by an alcoholic father, and a crazy mother. My mother was raised by a child molester father, and an alcoholic/crazy mother. So I guess that I shouldn't be surprised at how they treated me as a child....but damn, when does it end? You can't keep using your past as an excuse to abuse people!

I mentioned early on that both of my parents were pretty young when my brother and I were born. I'm sure that things were difficult for them, having 2 kids and all by the age of 19, but that is really no excuse for their behavior. My mom was pissed off at the world, and on a daily basis she would make sure that we knew it. It didn't matter what I said to that woman....she was pissed. I cannot remember a day when I didn't get hit by her, but even to this day she will justify her actions by saying "at least you didn't have it as bad as I did" What is this, a competition for who had it the worst....I think not! I cannot understand how she can say some of this shit. She always plays the victim in ANY situation. Instead of standing up and taking responsibility for her own actions, she will always blame someone else. It is very frustrating to try to make someone see how THEIR actions have affected you, especially when that person will not accept their part in it.

 I do believe that I have  kept myself stuck in this loop of dysfunction by always wanting to know why they treated me this way, I have tried many times to discuss the past with my mother just hoping for some type of explanation or even closure.

 I  am just now (finally) realizing that what I need from them will NEVER come, but a  few months ago I was having a conversation with my mother and she actually admitted to me that she tried to smother me as a baby... that does wonders for your self-esteem let me tell you! She of course had her excuses....she always does. She was depressed, I was a bad baby and cried too much ( are you KIDDING ME) it was my dads fault because he wasn't there to help her with two kids, WHATEVER! How in the world can you JUSTIFY something like that? Well, my mother has a way of justifying ANYTHING in her own  mind.

I have 3 children, and any of you who are mothers know how difficult parenting can be. The all nighters with a sick baby, teething, bad dreams, a baby who won't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, the list goes on...BUT I can tell you this with absolute certainty I have NEVER, and would NEVER try to HURT one of my babies...and it is just RIDICULOUS that she actually tried to blame it ON ME!!! I was an INFANT, that's what babies do, they CRY...so because of that I deserved to DIE?? WOW! but again, that is just my mom trying to deflect her problems, and blame someone else. It's a never ending cycle with her. Blame, Deny, Blame, and Deny some more.

Anxious Today

I have been fighting with a lot of anxiety lately......and it sucks! I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and NOT WORRY...about anything! but NOPE, that is not EVER going to happen for me. Some days are better than others, and today is a bad day.

I really wish that there was some magic pill that could take away all of the bad/hurtful things that have happened to me in my life. I hold on to SO much CRAP, and I can't seem to just let it go. I over analyze it, and wonder why?

Why did my mom walk out on us as kids?
Why does she live in such denial, and always blame ME for all of her problems?
Why do BOTH of my parents hate me so much?
Why doesn't anyone in my family care about me or my kids?
What is so wrong with me, that my own parents can't love me?
What is so special about my brother that makes them love him and not me?
Why can't they see what a good person I try to be?
Why DON'T they care???


Why the FUCK do I waste so much time, wanting things that I will NEVER have?

I just  DON'T. UNDERSTAND.

I'm going to bed. I will try again tomorrow