What is LOVE?

I'm sure that everyone has their own definition of what love is, or what love should be...myself included. I look back on my life....the people, places, and things and I have realized that I was never given "real love" until I met my husband, and had children. I am blessed beyond measure to have him, his family, and my kids in my life, and I will never take them for granted.

I was always shown love that was conditional...the "I will love you IF type of love" it was always a roller coaster with my family. Constant manipulation was a way of life, my dad who is in his 50's would borrow money from me a lot, and like a fool I always fell for his "sob stories" because I thought I was being a bad daughter if I went against either of my parents. My mom was more discreet in her manipulations, she used guilt....A LOT, she would make me feel bad for her, so that I would do things to help her, and even when I  did help her she would STILL go behind my back and say bad things about me, it was a LOSE/LOSE situation.

Let me give you an example:  My step dad Mike died two years ago in November, and shortly after my dad died my mom was having a hard time dealing with things, so I would go over to her house to keep her company, help her clean, pretty much whatever she needed at the time, and I was happy to do it, because I wanted to be there for her in her time of need. Well, as time went on, she was asking me almost everyday to do something or another ....which I did, but then I started to resent her because every time I would go over to her house, all she would do was talk about my brother.....and how helpful HE was being for her. So I finally decided to stop "putting myself out there" for her because she obviously didn't give a shit about what I was doing anyway. I know for a fact that my mom and dad both have always favored my brother, but it was just getting ridiculous and I couldn't deal with it anymore.So I started spending less and less time with her. A few months after Mike died my mom decided to take a trip to Las Vegas with one of her friends, and asked me to watch her dogs for her. Now keep in mind, my brother was layed off at the time, and lived about 3 minutes from her house, but she chose to ask me, and I live about 10 minutes from her...so I would have to drive back and forth at LEAST 2 times a day to let her dogs out, and feed them....so I declined. So I was at her house one day, (she had asked me to come clean her house for her....so I did) and I was sitting at her computer playing a game, and started being nosey in her emails....she KNEW about it, so don't freak out LOL...but I come across an email that she wrote to one of her friends about ME....saying that I was NOT being helpful to her since Mike had died and that I was being a BITCH to her because I wouldn't watch her dogs while she went to Vegas...YES folks she actually called me a BITCH in the email, simply because I wouldn't watch her dogs...so you see, my mom is the type of person who will "love you" as long as you do things for her, but the second you say no to her....she is out to get you.

Another time, she had to have shoulder surgery and asked me if I could take her home from the hospital....absolutely, and again, I was HAPPY to do it. I sat with her at the hospital for 7 hours and then took her to get her pain meds, and then went home with her to make sure she was all set up and going to be fine for the night. I came back in the early morning, and stayed with her pretty much all day, doing anything she needed, and I was completely happy to help. My brother did also help, but why shouldn't he, he was still layed off and was only minutes away. So after my mom was well enough she was on Facebook and posted how lucky she was to have my BROTHER helping her..not ONCE did she mention me at all......yes, I do realize that I sound a bit childish right now, but COME ON, it's almost like she goes out of her way to use me, and then hurt me! I don't get it. In her eyes, I can never do anything "good enough" to be loved by her.

As a mother, I cannot understand how a mother or father could NOT love their own child, but that is the case for me, and please before you start saying..."oh I'm sure your mother and father do love you" SAVE IT, because I could write a BOOK about the things that my parents have done, and trust me...it's NOT love, oh wait, isn't that kinda what I'm doing here? HAHAHAHA.

I worried about it for years...what did I do to make them hate me so much...so much that they go out of their way to cause me pain, but I believe that neither one of my parents are capable of showing real, genuine love because they were never shown how. They perpetuate this manipulative, selfish love to gain what they want. My mom uses money to control people, and my dad just manipulates and lies in order to get what he wants. It really is sad if you think about it.....to go through your entire adult life and not know......REAL, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am thrilled to finally know what it means to love and BE loved in return. It feels amazing! To be able to hear " I love you Brandy" and actually BELIEVE IT! To be hugged, and feel the love in the embrace. To look into my husbands eyes, and she the adoration. To get butterflies after all these years. I am worth loving, and I'm so glad to have people in my life who show me love everyday!

It hurt me quite a bit to break off the relationships with my parents because although they didn't love me, I DID love them so it made it hard for me to just let go, but in doing so, I opened up my heart to real, honest, unconditional love, and that is what I wish for my parents. Unfortunately, I cannot offer that to them anymore, but I do hope that one day they find it because there is no better feeling in the world!