It’s been a long time!

 I’m sure nobody is following this anymore, but I stumbled upon this today and decided to post. SO much has happened since my last entry...I don’t even know where to begin. Now that I’ve figured out how to get back into my blog, I’ll start up again!  

What is LOVE?

I'm sure that everyone has their own definition of what love is, or what love should be...myself included. I look back on my life....the people, places, and things and I have realized that I was never given "real love" until I met my husband, and had children. I am blessed beyond measure to have him, his family, and my kids in my life, and I will never take them for granted.

I was always shown love that was conditional...the "I will love you IF type of love" it was always a roller coaster with my family. Constant manipulation was a way of life, my dad who is in his 50's would borrow money from me a lot, and like a fool I always fell for his "sob stories" because I thought I was being a bad daughter if I went against either of my parents. My mom was more discreet in her manipulations, she used guilt....A LOT, she would make me feel bad for her, so that I would do things to help her, and even when I  did help her she would STILL go behind my back and say bad things about me, it was a LOSE/LOSE situation.

Let me give you an example:  My step dad Mike died two years ago in November, and shortly after my dad died my mom was having a hard time dealing with things, so I would go over to her house to keep her company, help her clean, pretty much whatever she needed at the time, and I was happy to do it, because I wanted to be there for her in her time of need. Well, as time went on, she was asking me almost everyday to do something or another ....which I did, but then I started to resent her because every time I would go over to her house, all she would do was talk about my brother.....and how helpful HE was being for her. So I finally decided to stop "putting myself out there" for her because she obviously didn't give a shit about what I was doing anyway. I know for a fact that my mom and dad both have always favored my brother, but it was just getting ridiculous and I couldn't deal with it anymore.So I started spending less and less time with her. A few months after Mike died my mom decided to take a trip to Las Vegas with one of her friends, and asked me to watch her dogs for her. Now keep in mind, my brother was layed off at the time, and lived about 3 minutes from her house, but she chose to ask me, and I live about 10 minutes from her...so I would have to drive back and forth at LEAST 2 times a day to let her dogs out, and feed them....so I declined. So I was at her house one day, (she had asked me to come clean her house for her....so I did) and I was sitting at her computer playing a game, and started being nosey in her emails....she KNEW about it, so don't freak out LOL...but I come across an email that she wrote to one of her friends about ME....saying that I was NOT being helpful to her since Mike had died and that I was being a BITCH to her because I wouldn't watch her dogs while she went to Vegas...YES folks she actually called me a BITCH in the email, simply because I wouldn't watch her dogs...so you see, my mom is the type of person who will "love you" as long as you do things for her, but the second you say no to her....she is out to get you.

Another time, she had to have shoulder surgery and asked me if I could take her home from the hospital....absolutely, and again, I was HAPPY to do it. I sat with her at the hospital for 7 hours and then took her to get her pain meds, and then went home with her to make sure she was all set up and going to be fine for the night. I came back in the early morning, and stayed with her pretty much all day, doing anything she needed, and I was completely happy to help. My brother did also help, but why shouldn't he, he was still layed off and was only minutes away. So after my mom was well enough she was on Facebook and posted how lucky she was to have my BROTHER helping her..not ONCE did she mention me at all......yes, I do realize that I sound a bit childish right now, but COME ON, it's almost like she goes out of her way to use me, and then hurt me! I don't get it. In her eyes, I can never do anything "good enough" to be loved by her.

As a mother, I cannot understand how a mother or father could NOT love their own child, but that is the case for me, and please before you start saying..."oh I'm sure your mother and father do love you" SAVE IT, because I could write a BOOK about the things that my parents have done, and trust me...it's NOT love, oh wait, isn't that kinda what I'm doing here? HAHAHAHA.

I worried about it for years...what did I do to make them hate me so much...so much that they go out of their way to cause me pain, but I believe that neither one of my parents are capable of showing real, genuine love because they were never shown how. They perpetuate this manipulative, selfish love to gain what they want. My mom uses money to control people, and my dad just manipulates and lies in order to get what he wants. It really is sad if you think about it.....to go through your entire adult life and not know......REAL, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am thrilled to finally know what it means to love and BE loved in return. It feels amazing! To be able to hear " I love you Brandy" and actually BELIEVE IT! To be hugged, and feel the love in the embrace. To look into my husbands eyes, and she the adoration. To get butterflies after all these years. I am worth loving, and I'm so glad to have people in my life who show me love everyday!

It hurt me quite a bit to break off the relationships with my parents because although they didn't love me, I DID love them so it made it hard for me to just let go, but in doing so, I opened up my heart to real, honest, unconditional love, and that is what I wish for my parents. Unfortunately, I cannot offer that to them anymore, but I do hope that one day they find it because there is no better feeling in the world!

Getting Older

Tomorrow I will be 36 years old!

You know the old saying "what do you want to do/be when you grow up"? Well, coming from and extremely poor, and abusive family I never really gave that much thought. I just figured I would follow in my parents footsteps. Do the same things they did, make the same mistakes they made, and then just "end up" some place. Well, this is one of the times that I am glad that I was wrong.

 I'm no millionaire, and I'm not the skinniest girl in the world, but I'm ok with that, because I am ME. I can look at my life, and finally be happy about the person that I am. For those of you who know me....that is BIG! I was always made to believe that I didn't matter...even into my adulthood I was treated that way. It wasn't until I got rid of all of the abuse and negativity in my life, that I could finally step back and see that my abusers were WRONG. I DO matter, and I am finally coming out of the shadows.

I am making great strides in life, and if feels amazing. I am married to my best friend, I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for, friends that know the true meaning of love, trust and respect. I am surrounded by my TRUE FAMILY. The ones who have stood by me, even when times were rough, and never gave up on the broken person that I used to be. I am thrilled to say that  I'm not broken anymore, I've glued the pieces back together and I'm stronger than ever!

I have 3 of THE MOST amazing children on the planet, and I couldn't be happier with where my life is. Not only did I NOT follow in my parents footsteps, I have removed all of that poison from our lives, in order to make room for the things in life that REALLY matter.

I have decided that 36 is my "rebirth" the age that I finally really came alive! So I am totally OK with getting older, in fact  I cannot wait to see where the next 36 takes me. I hope that you will stick around to find out!

Here's to the big life!

One of my friends posted this on Facebook today,  and it really got me thinking! When I first started this blog it was because I wanted to talk about my experiences with panic attacks and anxiety, which led me into sharing some very intimate details about my life, I thought that by starting at the beginning, and going through all the pain again, it would some how help me heal, but really all it did was just bring all that pain right back to the surface.

The truth is, I will probably never understand why my parents treated me the way that they did but honestly, it doesn't even really matter now because neither one of them are a part of my life anymore, and I couldn't be happier. After  reading this quote today, I  realized that I don't need to keep those bad memories alive in order to heal. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for, and I do not need to dwell in the past. I am much more than that abused little girl who has held on to that hurt for so many years. I can do better, be better, in fact I AM better. 

The healing process is not quick, and I am still learning that, I am also learning how to love the person that I am, and I'm actually starting to really like myself....which is a BIG step for me!  Getting rid of the negativity in my life was like being born again! Things are much clearer to me now, and I am willing and able to go after what I want, need, and DESERVE!

Of course I was sad, that's part of the reason I was talking about my abusive past, but there is no more room for sadness here, it's all about moving on, and cherishing the love that I have from my husband, my kids, and my family on my husbands side.

So I'm sorry if my readers feel like I "left em hangin'" but I have decided not to entertain that "small life" anymore because I don't want to be stuck there. I want to LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE!! and there is no room to do that If I'm letting my abusers win. So from now on, that past stays in the past!

Here's to the BIG LIFE!

Teenagers!

I know that I have been a bad blogger, and I have not been blogging much  It has been a little hectic for us lately, hubby has been working some overtime, I'm busy working and being mommy, and we are preparing for the upcoming school year.....whew! I'm tired already!! :D

Something totally exciting and scary has happened as well....my oldest daughter has turned 13!!! You heard that right! I am now the parent of a TEENAGER! Yikes! Where did the time go? I have NO idea!

 The scary part is, knowing that my baby girl is growing up before my eyes, and before we know it she will be graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. The exciting part, is being blessed enough to be part of her transformation into adulthood. I feel so much pride and joy when I look at my daughter. She cares so much for others, and she is just an all around good person. My heart swells with joy and love for her! We share a very special bond, and I cherish that.

If there is only one thing in this world that I could wish for, it is that my children know how hard I have tried to be a great mom to them, and give them all the love and support that they deserve. To never treat them as if they are a burden to me, and to always let them know that I will NEVER turn my back on them, like my parents did to me.

Look at that SMILE.......we must be doing SOMETHING right!

One big happy family

I have skipped around in my blog, going from the past to the present, and then back again, but I hope that I haven't confused my readers TOO much!

A lot of things have changed in our lives over the past couple of years, but with each passing day things are getting easier. I am a much happier person now that I have all of that negativity out of my life. I am not being judged, used  and constantly put down, and it feels great to wake up each day and realize that I DO matter, and that I am loved UNCONDITIONALLY....by at least 4 people in this world :)

So today's post will be dedicated to my husband, and my children, and to all of the GREAT things that are happening in my life right now!  The past is the past, and I can't ever change it, but I can use it as motivation for change in my own life and to understand what NOT to do as a parent. 

Things are going great in my life, and I am very thankful for that. I have a really good job, and have even recently started investing  in a retirement account with my company (which is a big step for me because it has been quite a while since I have had a decent job)

My little guy (who turned 5 in February) will be starting kindergarten in September, WOW! my little man is growing up so fast. He is very ready to start school which is a relief, but mommy will miss him! I'm sure, that just like everything else, we will adjust. I do have to say, the alone time will be nice. For the first time in 13yrs I will actually have time to do what I want....that's kinda exciting! My little guy lost his 2nd tooth today! Geeeez, I can't believe how big my kids are getting! I know I am biased, but I do have to say that I have 3 amazing kids! We frequently get compliments on how well mannered, polite, and respectful our kids are...so we must be doing SOMETHING right. My kids bring me so much joy, and unconditional love, I am truly blessed!



My youngest daughter, just had her dance recital last weekend, and it was wonderful and bittersweet all at the same time. See, my step-dad Mike used to LOVE to watch my daughter dance in her recital, the only year he missed it was when he was in the hospital. So I was happy to see her dance, but so sad  because I miss my dad, but I'm sure he was watching down from heaven!

   

My oldest daughter will be 13 in about 3 weeks...YIKES, I'm too YOUNG to have a TEENAGER! I am so proud of my daughter, she amazes me on a daily basis. She is so kind, and loving and she is always looking for ways to help others. She has a heart of gold. I am so proud to be her mother!

My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in May, and I am still amazed on a daily basis how wonderful he is. He is patient, kind, generous, and loving. We have had our share of bumpy roads, but as long as he is by my side I believe that we can and will get through anything. He is everything that I want and need, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him!

So, yes things have changed in the past  few years, but change doesn't always equal bad. I am sad sometimes that my parents are missing out on what wonderful kids I have, but then I remind myself that if they REALLY cared about my kids they would stop trying to blame ME for everything and actually GROW up, be adults and try to FIX this situation. I cannot hold on to that hope anymore, I MUST let go.

We will continue to move forward as one big happy family!

Lifes choices....and learning

I am 35 and yes I have made some bad choices in my life (who hasn't) but I am on the path to learning how to live with those decisions, and not beat myself up for them.

More specifically I have been thinking about my choice to end my relationships with my parents, and my brother. I have learned a few lessons throughout this process, some good....some bad, but I'm learning nonetheless.

I have learned that no matter how badly you want someone to change you can not will it to happen. They have to WANT to change, but if they don't have it in em', you are fighting a losing battle, and that's where I am now in this process. I am seeing things with a new set of eyes...open ones! For so long, I was in denial right along with the rest of my family, it was only after I got out of the abuse that I was able to see just how truly dysfunctional my family really is.

Am I perfect? HECK NO, but I am able to see things a lot more clearly now and the future looks bright. The healing process is a funny thing, but I'm trusting the process and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.....look out!