After my parents divorce we went to live with my grandparents and things got progressively worse, not just with my anxiety but my life in general. My mom moved away, and we hardly seen or heard from her after that (of course to hear her tell it, she was a GREAT mom, and was always there) HAHAHAHA! That makes me LAUGH. It amazes me how she can claim to believe such BULLSHIT. She took off after my parents divorced, and left us behind to go find a NEW man. She's always been that way, whatever man is in her life at the time becomes the most important person in her life. Her kids were, and still are dispensable.
Yes, I realize that I am 35 yrs old with my own family now, but that is something that I think I will struggle with forever, is how my mother could just move on with her life, like I never existed.
Anyway, my dad moved us in with he parents. My grandpa was a raging alcoholic, and I mean, that man was drunk MOST of my childhood, and a lot of the time, he would be very violent. Sometimes with me and my brother, but most of his anger was aimed at my grandma, and my dad. I can remember SO many nights waking up to the sounds of people screaming at each other. When you constantly see that stuff, it really does things to your mind. I never felt safe...ever! Needless to say, my anxiety kicked in full force, and stayed that way for many years.
I was always afraid to have friends over because my grandpa was always drunk, and I didn't want my friends to know. So most of the time, my brother and I just played with our friends in the neighborhood....OUTSIDE. I had a few close friends that were aware of what was going on in my house, but only a few. I often wonder, why on earth my father would take us there, and let us live there KNOWING full well what was going to happen. My grandfather was an alcoholic even when my dad was growing up, so why on earth would he subject his KIDS to that SHIT??? I think it goes back to, when that's the only thing you know, you don't really know any better, but my brother and I suffered terribly because of it....THANKS DAD!
In my very early childhood years, I remember my grandmother being fairly normal, but that didn't last long. You see, mental illness runs in my family (go figure) my great-grandfather had Alzheimer's, and my grandmas brother was schizophrenic. I know for a fact that my grandmother had something wrong with her, but I was a kid, so I had no idea what it was. I do know this, whatever it was, made me it's target! It started out slowly...her picking on me just to make herself feel better. Then it progressed to severe mental abuse, and then physical. I would tell me dad what she was doing, but it fell on deaf ears. He never wanted to hear it, he was too busy living his own life to give a shit about what was happening to me.
I used to listen to music a lot as a kid,( I think it's one of the things that saved my life) but that was back when we had the hand held Walkmans that played cassette tapes. Anyone remember those? lol but I would sit on the couch and listen to my music, and she would come and sit down beside me, and get really close to my face and just say the most disgusting things that any human could say to another. "Nobody loves you Brandy", "You are a waste", "Your dad doesn't love you either, that's why he leaves you here with me all the time". Those are just a few of the special things that she saved JUST FOR ME, and I got to hear it almost EVERYDAY! Aren't I lucky?? It was like she was on a mission to break me...everyday, and as soon as she would see the tears running down my face, she would smile with a sense of accomplishment, and then just get up and leave.
This went on for years, she was relentless, and she never did that stuff to my brother, it was always me...always ME. Needless to say, my self worth never existed. I always seemed to get more of the abuse than my brother did, maybe that's why he claims to not remember it...who knows. They all seemed to favor him. My mom and dad still do. He is perfect in their eyes, and can do no wrong. Me on the other hand, I'm ALWAYS wrong. I went to my dad many times, and begged him to move us out of that house, but he never did. So I put up with the abuse, I had no other choice...I was trapped in it. I just kept telling myself that I would be 18.....someday, and then I could move out, and never see any of them again. As the years passed, the abuse became more and more harsh, it was almost like she was trying to see how far she could go. There were SO many times that I contemplated suicide, but I was too scared to hurt myself, so then I started thinking of ways I could kill HER, and try to make it look like an accident. Of course I never did, but in some weird way it helped me cope.
Things were really bad, and I started having a lot more panic attacks. I would have them at school, at home...pretty much anywhere. Each one feeling just as scary as the first one. It got so bad that I actually went to my grandmother for help. I was young, I had never heard of "anxiety disorders" so I had no idea what was wrong with me. When I went to my grandmother, she actually made it worse. She told me that before too long I would be "self mutilating" and then just eventually go crazy......WHAT???
Monday, January 30, 2012
Why am I doing this??
I debated for a long time if I should put my personal life on the Internet for everyone to read, and finally came to the conclusion (obviously) that however personal the details might be, IF what I have to say could help someone else then it would all be worth it....right? Well, at least I hope so.
I am not doing this for others to feel sorry for me I have been through a lot in my life, and God knows I DON'T need pity. I am doing this for 2 reasons.
One, to help rid my mind of all of the negativity that I hold onto. I cannot change my past, but I sure as HELL can do my best to move past it, and not let it define me anymore. Some of this blog may come across like I am bitter, and angry...but, SO BE IT! To some extent I am still very angry. I do hold a lot of resentment towards my parents. To this day my mother will still not admit to being an extremely mean, and abusive person, in her mind a lot if it just "never happened", and to give my father at least some credit, he has apologized to me for how he was when I was younger, but it's hard for me to accept his apology considering he is STILL treating me the same way. That is why I finally had to walk away from both of my parents, and my brother for that matter. All 3 of them live in this world of DENIAL...if we ignore it, it will go away. Well, the only thing that did go away, was ME. I hung in there for 34 yrs hoping that someone....something would change....It didn't! I am always the family scape goat, everything is ALWAYS my fault. I believe that it's because I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, and the control and manipulation that my family uses no longer works on me. So here I am, telling my story to whoever will listen....on the Internet.....what has this world come to? HAHA
My second reason for doing this is simple. I want to help other people. IF I can make a difference in someones life, than it is in fact worth letting people read the story of my past. I have gotten quite a response already, and it makes me feel great. I very much appreciate the people who have reached out to me, and supported me to keep going. YOU are why I am doing this!
I am not doing this for others to feel sorry for me I have been through a lot in my life, and God knows I DON'T need pity. I am doing this for 2 reasons.
One, to help rid my mind of all of the negativity that I hold onto. I cannot change my past, but I sure as HELL can do my best to move past it, and not let it define me anymore. Some of this blog may come across like I am bitter, and angry...but, SO BE IT! To some extent I am still very angry. I do hold a lot of resentment towards my parents. To this day my mother will still not admit to being an extremely mean, and abusive person, in her mind a lot if it just "never happened", and to give my father at least some credit, he has apologized to me for how he was when I was younger, but it's hard for me to accept his apology considering he is STILL treating me the same way. That is why I finally had to walk away from both of my parents, and my brother for that matter. All 3 of them live in this world of DENIAL...if we ignore it, it will go away. Well, the only thing that did go away, was ME. I hung in there for 34 yrs hoping that someone....something would change....It didn't! I am always the family scape goat, everything is ALWAYS my fault. I believe that it's because I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, and the control and manipulation that my family uses no longer works on me. So here I am, telling my story to whoever will listen....on the Internet.....what has this world come to? HAHA
My second reason for doing this is simple. I want to help other people. IF I can make a difference in someones life, than it is in fact worth letting people read the story of my past. I have gotten quite a response already, and it makes me feel great. I very much appreciate the people who have reached out to me, and supported me to keep going. YOU are why I am doing this!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
My journey to.........ME (part 2)
I can remember being very young, and playing with my brother in my room, and BOOM! being overcome with the most overwhelming fear you can possibly imagine, but WHY?? I had NO idea, and often wondered what the HELL was wrong with me! Throughout my childhood this would happen to me often. I would feel like I was just going to die right there on the spot...I was convinced of it! Obviously, that never happened, but it sure felt like it was going to.
There was never any rhyme or reason for these episodes, they would just come...and go, each one leaving me emotionally exhausted., and anticipating the next one. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, let me try to explain what it feels like. Imagine something that would scare the crap out of you.....I mean, REALLY SCARE you, now magnify that by about A MILLION! NO, I'm NOT kidding...it's is the most horrible feeling you can ever experience, and don't forget the fact that they can sometimes just come out of NO WHERE...sounds fun, right? Yeah, I don't think so either! and the symptoms that come along with an attack..oh boy! Even more fun! For me it usually starts with my heart beating so hard that it literally feels like it will beat right out of my chest, and then the tightness in my chest, it feels like I can't catch my breath, and then the tingling in my fingers, then my hands, then my arms...it's a lack of oxygen from hyperventilation...are we having fun yet?? Visit this link for a more "professional" description : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attacks
Sometimes the panic attack would be short lived (I prefer those of course, hahaha) and then other times...they would last for quite a while, now when I say quite a while...in reality, it was probably about 10-15 minutes, because the body can only sustain such a high level of fear for short periods of time, but let me tell you...just a few SECONDS of these things are more than enough, let alone....10-15 MINUTES OF IT!
Growing up with this always made me feel different, weird, strange and all that good stuff because nobody else that I knew had this problem, and if I did mention it to any of my friends they would look at me like I was crazy. For many years, I thought I WAS crazy! If I would have sleep overs at my friends houses, I would always have a panic attack at night, I think it's because I was out of my "comfort zone". There were many times when I would have to have my parents come and get me in the middle of the night....geez, I was TONS of fun as a kid!
My parents got divorced when I was around 7, and I can remember having attacks a lot right after the divorce. I always seemed to be scared...of what? Anything, and Everything. After the divorce my Dad, Brother, and Myself moved in with my grandparents ( my dads parents) and my mom moved to her own apartment. Talk about going from bad to worse............
There was never any rhyme or reason for these episodes, they would just come...and go, each one leaving me emotionally exhausted., and anticipating the next one. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, let me try to explain what it feels like. Imagine something that would scare the crap out of you.....I mean, REALLY SCARE you, now magnify that by about A MILLION! NO, I'm NOT kidding...it's is the most horrible feeling you can ever experience, and don't forget the fact that they can sometimes just come out of NO WHERE...sounds fun, right? Yeah, I don't think so either! and the symptoms that come along with an attack..oh boy! Even more fun! For me it usually starts with my heart beating so hard that it literally feels like it will beat right out of my chest, and then the tightness in my chest, it feels like I can't catch my breath, and then the tingling in my fingers, then my hands, then my arms...it's a lack of oxygen from hyperventilation...are we having fun yet?? Visit this link for a more "professional" description : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attacks
Sometimes the panic attack would be short lived (I prefer those of course, hahaha) and then other times...they would last for quite a while, now when I say quite a while...in reality, it was probably about 10-15 minutes, because the body can only sustain such a high level of fear for short periods of time, but let me tell you...just a few SECONDS of these things are more than enough, let alone....10-15 MINUTES OF IT!
Growing up with this always made me feel different, weird, strange and all that good stuff because nobody else that I knew had this problem, and if I did mention it to any of my friends they would look at me like I was crazy. For many years, I thought I WAS crazy! If I would have sleep overs at my friends houses, I would always have a panic attack at night, I think it's because I was out of my "comfort zone". There were many times when I would have to have my parents come and get me in the middle of the night....geez, I was TONS of fun as a kid!
My parents got divorced when I was around 7, and I can remember having attacks a lot right after the divorce. I always seemed to be scared...of what? Anything, and Everything. After the divorce my Dad, Brother, and Myself moved in with my grandparents ( my dads parents) and my mom moved to her own apartment. Talk about going from bad to worse............
My journey to.........ME
This is my first attempt at this "blogging" thing, so please bare with me as I am still learning.
I am writing this blog in the hopes of helping others, as well as myself. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks, a long time ago, and I think talking about anxiety, is somewhat therapeutic (at least it is for me) so hopefully my experiences, and knowledge will help someone else out there. Feel free to make comments, I enjoy the feedback.
I guess it would be best for me to start all the way back at the beginning. Sorry, this may take some time! I was born in August of 1976...wow, that makes me 35, YIKES! Anyway, I have one sibling, Todd..who is 10 months...yes, you read that right...10 months older than me. I don't really talk to my brother anymore ( more about that later). I lived with my parents, Pam & Jack, who were very young when I was growing up. I don't talk to either of them anymore either (seeing a pattern yet)? My parents were only 19 by the time my brother and I had entered this world, maybe that was part of the problem, but my parents were both very abusive. I remember a lot of it but my brother "claims" it was just normal parenting...I DISAGREE, but I guess we all deal with things differently. In our house there was always some sort of yelling, fighting, screaming, and hitting, but I never knew anything different so that was "normal" to me. Needless to say, it caused me a lot of anxiety...although, I had no idea at that time what it really was, but I can look back and see that I have had anxiety problems from a very young age, boy I had no idea what was to come........(to be continued)
I am writing this blog in the hopes of helping others, as well as myself. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks, a long time ago, and I think talking about anxiety, is somewhat therapeutic (at least it is for me) so hopefully my experiences, and knowledge will help someone else out there. Feel free to make comments, I enjoy the feedback.
I guess it would be best for me to start all the way back at the beginning. Sorry, this may take some time! I was born in August of 1976...wow, that makes me 35, YIKES! Anyway, I have one sibling, Todd..who is 10 months...yes, you read that right...10 months older than me. I don't really talk to my brother anymore ( more about that later). I lived with my parents, Pam & Jack, who were very young when I was growing up. I don't talk to either of them anymore either (seeing a pattern yet)? My parents were only 19 by the time my brother and I had entered this world, maybe that was part of the problem, but my parents were both very abusive. I remember a lot of it but my brother "claims" it was just normal parenting...I DISAGREE, but I guess we all deal with things differently. In our house there was always some sort of yelling, fighting, screaming, and hitting, but I never knew anything different so that was "normal" to me. Needless to say, it caused me a lot of anxiety...although, I had no idea at that time what it really was, but I can look back and see that I have had anxiety problems from a very young age, boy I had no idea what was to come........(to be continued)
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