My reason to make it through!

After Mark and I split up, I moved in with a friend and lived my life for a while, but my heart always ached for him. I always tried to put him out of my mind, but it was pointless. Everything in me  told me that he was "the one" but I just kept trying to ignore my heart. After moving out we would talk some but I tried to avoid him because seeing him was too hard. For some reason, I felt as if I had failed him, and that was damage that I could not "undo" so I decided to let him go. He could go on with his life, and I would try to do the same.

I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!

We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did  my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.

I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.

When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?

So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job,  and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!

So,  I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!

Twists and Turns

I was 18 when I moved out of my mom and Mikes house

  I found a job at Meijer, and that is where I met Mark...he is my husband. I'm just giving you fair warning...... here comes the "mushy" part ;)

I don't think that their are adequate words in the english language  to express the love and admiration that I have for this man! He is wonderful beyond comprehension. Can you tell that I adore him? ;) Ok, more mushy stuff later....see, that wasn't so bad!

We started dating when I was 18, and he was 17...yes, I'm the "older woman" hehehe. Our relationship was tough for a few years not only because we were so young, but also because we came from two totally  different backgrounds which caused some issues. I was a damaged, scared "little girl" in a womans body, I had no idea how to function in an intimate relationship all I knew was what was shown to my throughout my life which was total dysfunction, so I would constantly fight with Mark.I had grown up in such dysfunction, that I didn't feel normal UNLESS we were fighting. I'm sure this had to be hard for Mark to understand because he comes from a family that loves him. So for someone who was shown love his whole life, I'm sure it must have been confusing for him to understand why I came with so much baggage. God bless this man for sticking by me the way he did. he obviously saw something in me that I couldn't even see becasue he continued to stick by me, and love me.....as broken as I was, he still wanted to be with me, and not only did he WANT to be with me, he wanted to help me.

He is so patient and kind, when I look into his eyes I see....LOVE. I honestly believe that God brought us together because Mark is everything that I need, and my life feels complete because of him. It hasn't always been easy we have been through a lot of things, but the love that we have for each other keeps us going, in fact we just celebrated our ten year anniversary on May 4th!

We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant, yes we were young and obviously not being very careful but I loved him and I knew he loved me so we were determined to make it work. My pregnancy was pretty unevenful until about 6 months into it, and just like that....with no warning, I went into labor, it was way too soon, and the baby died inside of me before I could make it to the hospital. The placenta had seperated, and there was nothing that could be done. So here we are...teenagers, and we lost or first baby. Needless to say, it was very hard for the both of us, we tried to move on from it and 6 weeks later, we were pregnant again...I know, I KNOW what you are saying. GOOD LORD GIRL, use some protection! It goes without saying, that I have made some bad decisions in my lifetime. So here we are again...pregnant. I went to the doctor and found of that I was indeed pregnant again, but 2 weeks later I miscarried AGAIN! I think that losing another baby sent me over the edge, and I broke. My relationship with Mark was crumbling, and I didn't put up a fight to save it. We eneded up splitting up.