My reason to make it through!

After Mark and I split up, I moved in with a friend and lived my life for a while, but my heart always ached for him. I always tried to put him out of my mind, but it was pointless. Everything in me  told me that he was "the one" but I just kept trying to ignore my heart. After moving out we would talk some but I tried to avoid him because seeing him was too hard. For some reason, I felt as if I had failed him, and that was damage that I could not "undo" so I decided to let him go. He could go on with his life, and I would try to do the same.

I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!

We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did  my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.

I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.

When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?

So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job,  and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!

So,  I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!