So I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend Mike I totally expected it to suck, but it really didn't. I was amazed at how "NORMAL" Mike was, he didn't hit me, he didn't scream at me...maybe this will be a good thing after all. I got to meet all of Mikes family, they are GREAT people, they accepted me right from the start, and let me tell you....It made me feel wonderful to be part of a LOVING, and CARING family. Lord only knows what this man saw in MY MOTHER...but hey, who am I to question it..I was just happy to be part of it!
I cannot say enough good things about Mike, he was more of a father to me than my own father ever HOPED to be, and he did it gladly. I loved sitting and listening to Mike tell me stories, he had a way of just captivating you, and leaving you wanting to hear more. He was very smart, and loved to work on cars so anytime I had a problem....I knew right where to go, BUT he wouldn't just fix it for me, he made me help him so that I would learn as well. I can change an alternator, change my own oil...any many other things thanks to him!
After I turned 19 I moved out, because my mom said it was time for me to go. So again, I was feeling a sense of loss.....here I was, FINALLY with someone who CARED about me, and she was making me LEAVE....WTH! and of course when I told her I didn't want to move out, she told me that I was "just afraid to grow up" That was NOT it at all, I didn't want to leave because for once in my life I felt like I had an ally...I didn't want to give that up, but I had no choice....she told me to get out, so I did. I went to live with a friend, until I met Mark (who is now my husband,I will get to him later)
My relationship with Mike continued to grow over the years, but we got even closer after I started having kids. Mike adored my kids, which made me love him even more. To be honest, I had never had anyone like him in my life....ever, so I cherished my relationship with him......He wasn't a very "emotional" type of guy, but I always knew that he cared just by the way he treated me and I was the happiest I had ever been. He was my DAD! It just goes to show you, you don't have to be "blood" to be family.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
An angel arrives....FINALLY!
So we get to Michigan, and my dad takes me to my moms apartment, and just drops me off. I BEGGED him not to leave me here, because I remember VERY well how abusive this woman is, I DON'T want to be left with her. My dad just looked at me and said "you did this to yourself, and if you try to run away your mother is going to put you in a foster home" Hell, if I would have been thinking clearly at the time, that's exactly what I SHOULD HAVE DONE, it had to be better than these crazy people.
Even though I hadn't seen my mom very much at all in the past years, my dad thought that THIS would be a good idea....wow, as soon as I moved here, my mom made it VERY clear that when I turned 18 I had to move out. Wow, thanks mom I haven't seen you in YEARS, and you are already telling me that I'm OUT when I'm 18!
So at least for a little while I was stuck here, so I tried to make the best of it. Even though I would graduate in 3 months, I still made friends fairly quickly at my new school and did my best to live a normal life. The only good thing about the situation, was that my BROTHER was here. I cried a lot, because I had been ripped out of the only life I had ever known...no matter how abusive it was, it was MY life and it had been changed forever. I can remember many nights I would be crying, and Todd ( my brother) would sit by me on the couch and tell me that "everything would be ok"....I miss THAT part of my brother, but I don't know him anymore, he has turned into a very mean and unhappy man...but I guess years of abuse will do that to you!
My mom had a boyfriend when I moved to Michigan his name was Mike (more about him later) she had her own apartment, but spent almost everyday with Mike, so she left me and my brother alone...A LOT. So needless to say, we got into some trouble. We were teenagers with NO guidance...what did she expect? My brother was very heavily into drugs, and remained that way for years, I looked up to him so I followed in his footsteps, not with the drugs, but the drinking (heavily) and partying all the time. Actually, when I look back on it, as dysfunctional as it was, I ENJOYED partying with my brother...everyone knew us, we were very popular among our friends...it felt good!
My brother ended up moving out of my moms apartment, and got his own apartment with a friend, I wanted to go SO badly but obviously I couldn't so again...he left me. My mom ended up moving in with her boyfriend Mike after my brother left so I went with her. I had met Mike before, but didn't know him very well at the time so I was nervous about living there. He has a daughter who is around my age, so I thought that was pretty cool I would have a "sister". I had NO idea how this man and his family would change my life....for the better :)
Even though I hadn't seen my mom very much at all in the past years, my dad thought that THIS would be a good idea....wow, as soon as I moved here, my mom made it VERY clear that when I turned 18 I had to move out. Wow, thanks mom I haven't seen you in YEARS, and you are already telling me that I'm OUT when I'm 18!
So at least for a little while I was stuck here, so I tried to make the best of it. Even though I would graduate in 3 months, I still made friends fairly quickly at my new school and did my best to live a normal life. The only good thing about the situation, was that my BROTHER was here. I cried a lot, because I had been ripped out of the only life I had ever known...no matter how abusive it was, it was MY life and it had been changed forever. I can remember many nights I would be crying, and Todd ( my brother) would sit by me on the couch and tell me that "everything would be ok"....I miss THAT part of my brother, but I don't know him anymore, he has turned into a very mean and unhappy man...but I guess years of abuse will do that to you!
My mom had a boyfriend when I moved to Michigan his name was Mike (more about him later) she had her own apartment, but spent almost everyday with Mike, so she left me and my brother alone...A LOT. So needless to say, we got into some trouble. We were teenagers with NO guidance...what did she expect? My brother was very heavily into drugs, and remained that way for years, I looked up to him so I followed in his footsteps, not with the drugs, but the drinking (heavily) and partying all the time. Actually, when I look back on it, as dysfunctional as it was, I ENJOYED partying with my brother...everyone knew us, we were very popular among our friends...it felt good!
My brother ended up moving out of my moms apartment, and got his own apartment with a friend, I wanted to go SO badly but obviously I couldn't so again...he left me. My mom ended up moving in with her boyfriend Mike after my brother left so I went with her. I had met Mike before, but didn't know him very well at the time so I was nervous about living there. He has a daughter who is around my age, so I thought that was pretty cool I would have a "sister". I had NO idea how this man and his family would change my life....for the better :)
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
This has to be better.....right?
So after my brother left, things were hard, but I managed. I didn't see him again for 3 years. My dad and his wife were still married ( I think, but not living together anymore) So yep you guessed it....back to my grandparents house.
One day my dad just decided that it was time for me to go live with my mom, because he thought that I was dating a black boy (excellent reason to disown me, don't you think) and of course he wasn't going to have THAT! and decided that it would be a great idea if he made me go live with my MOM.
Did I mention that he isn't too intelligent? So here is how that story went.....
I had been working all day that day ( I worked at Wendys at the time) so I had come home and was taking a nap in my room when I hear someone BEATING on my door, I mean literally beating on it like the house was on fire. I open the door, and there is my father....he tells me "pack your shit you are going to live with your mother" No discussion, no explanation, no nothing just "pack your shit" well of course I was stunned, I just woke up! and I had no idea why the hell he was doing this to me so of course I said NO.
Well, in my family if you show any signs of disobedience you were just asking to get the shit beat out of you! so of course that is EXACTLY what happened, only this wasn't some light spanking. This was a full body contact.....ASS KICKING. As soon as I said no, it was "game on" I went and sat down on my bed, and said "I'm not going anywhere" and of course my dad had a different idea, so he came in and grabbed me, and lifted me straight up in the air (my dad is a very big man, and was a professional boxer at one point in his life) so he had the strength, and ability to inflict some major damage! So at this point I am scared to death because I know I'm about to get really hurt. The whole time, I am asking him why he is doing this and he just kept saying " you know exactly why" but at that point I had NO idea. I found out later. So here I am, in the grips of this man who I KNOW is going to hurt me, and I can't get away. So I start kicking him to try and free myself from his grip. IT WORKED, he dropped me so I took off running towards my bedroom door, I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could, but just as I reached the door I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and SLAM right into the wall I went....that one hurt! Somehow I managed to get up and try to run again, this time I made it to the front door but he was never far behind. I did make it into the street, and I was SCREAMING for help, for someone to call the police.....I was CONVINCED he was going to KILL ME. He had this look in his eye, I can't even describe it........PURE EVIL but that help never came.
My dad forced me into the car and drove me 3 hours to my moms here in Michigan. He dropped me off, and I didn't see him again until my grandmother died a few years later. There was a silver lining to this cloud though, my brother! I was reunited with him....so this HAD TO BE BETTER......RIGHT?
One day my dad just decided that it was time for me to go live with my mom, because he thought that I was dating a black boy (excellent reason to disown me, don't you think) and of course he wasn't going to have THAT! and decided that it would be a great idea if he made me go live with my MOM.
Did I mention that he isn't too intelligent? So here is how that story went.....
I had been working all day that day ( I worked at Wendys at the time) so I had come home and was taking a nap in my room when I hear someone BEATING on my door, I mean literally beating on it like the house was on fire. I open the door, and there is my father....he tells me "pack your shit you are going to live with your mother" No discussion, no explanation, no nothing just "pack your shit" well of course I was stunned, I just woke up! and I had no idea why the hell he was doing this to me so of course I said NO.
Well, in my family if you show any signs of disobedience you were just asking to get the shit beat out of you! so of course that is EXACTLY what happened, only this wasn't some light spanking. This was a full body contact.....ASS KICKING. As soon as I said no, it was "game on" I went and sat down on my bed, and said "I'm not going anywhere" and of course my dad had a different idea, so he came in and grabbed me, and lifted me straight up in the air (my dad is a very big man, and was a professional boxer at one point in his life) so he had the strength, and ability to inflict some major damage! So at this point I am scared to death because I know I'm about to get really hurt. The whole time, I am asking him why he is doing this and he just kept saying " you know exactly why" but at that point I had NO idea. I found out later. So here I am, in the grips of this man who I KNOW is going to hurt me, and I can't get away. So I start kicking him to try and free myself from his grip. IT WORKED, he dropped me so I took off running towards my bedroom door, I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could, but just as I reached the door I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and SLAM right into the wall I went....that one hurt! Somehow I managed to get up and try to run again, this time I made it to the front door but he was never far behind. I did make it into the street, and I was SCREAMING for help, for someone to call the police.....I was CONVINCED he was going to KILL ME. He had this look in his eye, I can't even describe it........PURE EVIL but that help never came.
My dad forced me into the car and drove me 3 hours to my moms here in Michigan. He dropped me off, and I didn't see him again until my grandmother died a few years later. There was a silver lining to this cloud though, my brother! I was reunited with him....so this HAD TO BE BETTER......RIGHT?
Now what?
After living with my grandparents for a few years, my dad decided to move us into his girlfriends house. She had two sons (twins) they were precious, and I adored them but that didn't last long, so it was back to my grandparents house until he decided to take us with him again.
My dad met a woman and married her, she had 3 sons ( I still talk to them) It was rough trying to blend the family but we did our best. It was nice to have a mother figure in my life. She always tried to be there for me and I appreciate it, but I certainly didn't make things easy for her. I hope that she forgives me lol. I was broken at that point, I didn't really want to get close to anyone else. I was afraid to be hurt.....again.
At this point, things didn't seem to be too bad. Maybe it was because my dad didn't want to show his true colors to his new wife, I'm not sure, but I remember this time in my life being.....at least bearable, but as dysfunction goes, it didn't take long for something to happen. My brother was about 15 at this point and I was 14. My dad and my brother started to butt heads.....badly, and I remember them getting into an arguement and my brother saying " I'm gonna go live with mom" and my dad just said "good, GO" and I'm like WTF, wait.....NO, Don't leave me! I always looked up to my brother, in a lot of ways I felt like he was all I had, and now he's just gonna leave me.....GREAT, and just like that....a few days later he was GONE.......NOW WHAT?
I did my best not to think about it, but it did bother me a lot. I felt like he abandoned me, but little did I know, it wouldn't be long before I would join him......even though it wasn't my choice!
My dad met a woman and married her, she had 3 sons ( I still talk to them) It was rough trying to blend the family but we did our best. It was nice to have a mother figure in my life. She always tried to be there for me and I appreciate it, but I certainly didn't make things easy for her. I hope that she forgives me lol. I was broken at that point, I didn't really want to get close to anyone else. I was afraid to be hurt.....again.
At this point, things didn't seem to be too bad. Maybe it was because my dad didn't want to show his true colors to his new wife, I'm not sure, but I remember this time in my life being.....at least bearable, but as dysfunction goes, it didn't take long for something to happen. My brother was about 15 at this point and I was 14. My dad and my brother started to butt heads.....badly, and I remember them getting into an arguement and my brother saying " I'm gonna go live with mom" and my dad just said "good, GO" and I'm like WTF, wait.....NO, Don't leave me! I always looked up to my brother, in a lot of ways I felt like he was all I had, and now he's just gonna leave me.....GREAT, and just like that....a few days later he was GONE.......NOW WHAT?
I did my best not to think about it, but it did bother me a lot. I felt like he abandoned me, but little did I know, it wouldn't be long before I would join him......even though it wasn't my choice!
Life goes on, and so will we!
I have been thinking a lot lately, about my past, about my life, and about my future. I am realizing that although I have had some really shitty things happen to me in my life, I CAN be better. I don't have to let these things define who I am. I belive that I am keeping myself stuck in the same place because I don't know how to move forward. I have done a lot of work in order to help myself move on, and I think it's time for me to forgive. Not for them, but for me! This does not mean I will let these people back in my life, it simply means letting go of the bitterness, and anger that I hold for them and letting them go out of my head, out of my heart, and out of my life....for good!
I think that sometimes I get so focused on what has happened to me, that I forget to look at whats right in front of me. An amazing husband who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, great kids, and amazing family (on my husbands side) and a ton of great friends! I need to realize that this is all I need!
I have finally accepted that no matter how hard I try my mother and father will NEVER change, I will always be at fault, and I can see tthat now. They are not capable of love, they use, manipulate, and intimidate in order to contol people, and I just don't want that in my life anymore. I am better than that. Maybe one day they will look back and be sorry for what they have done, and what they have missed out on...hell, maybe not but at least I know that I have done everything I can to be a good daughter...it's just toooooo bad that they could never appreciate it.
Life goes on, and so will WE!
I think that sometimes I get so focused on what has happened to me, that I forget to look at whats right in front of me. An amazing husband who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, great kids, and amazing family (on my husbands side) and a ton of great friends! I need to realize that this is all I need!
I have finally accepted that no matter how hard I try my mother and father will NEVER change, I will always be at fault, and I can see tthat now. They are not capable of love, they use, manipulate, and intimidate in order to contol people, and I just don't want that in my life anymore. I am better than that. Maybe one day they will look back and be sorry for what they have done, and what they have missed out on...hell, maybe not but at least I know that I have done everything I can to be a good daughter...it's just toooooo bad that they could never appreciate it.
Life goes on, and so will WE!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
You are out of my life for a reason....stay OUT!
So as most of you already know, someone on my friends list is reading my posts and my blog and reporting back to my mother.
I don't understand what this person was expecting to accomplish, other than stirring up drama of course which is exactly what my mom likes to do, so no wonder they are friends HAHAHA. I WILL continue to write about my story, because I know that what I am doing is helping me, as well as others. So, SORRY MOM...lmao.
So after reading my blog my mom proceeds to post on her own facebook page (nevermind how I found this out lol) that I am just telling my story to anyone who will listen just to "get attention" LMAO, that is hilarious. I posted this blog on MY facebook page, for a limited group of MY friends, so how in the world am I seeking attention by trying to do something to help someone ELSE, and isn't she doing the EXACT thing that she is accusing me of, by blasting me on facebook for the whole world to see? Of course she is angry about the things I said she sure as hell doesn't want people to know what type of mother she has been. She lives in her little world of denial, so exposing her just bursted her little bubble!
Whats even funnier is about a year or so ago, my mom decided to "write a book" about her physical and sexual abuse that she suffered as a child....and she let quite a few people read this "book" so why is it ok for her to write about her experiences, but when I write about mine, I am an attention seeking drama queen?? Oh that's right....it's because she is a selfish bitch, who thinks SHE is the only person who matters.
This just makes me realize more and more that I will NEVER go back to her bullshit. She is out of my life for a reason.....so STAY OUT!
I don't understand what this person was expecting to accomplish, other than stirring up drama of course which is exactly what my mom likes to do, so no wonder they are friends HAHAHA. I WILL continue to write about my story, because I know that what I am doing is helping me, as well as others. So, SORRY MOM...lmao.
So after reading my blog my mom proceeds to post on her own facebook page (nevermind how I found this out lol) that I am just telling my story to anyone who will listen just to "get attention" LMAO, that is hilarious. I posted this blog on MY facebook page, for a limited group of MY friends, so how in the world am I seeking attention by trying to do something to help someone ELSE, and isn't she doing the EXACT thing that she is accusing me of, by blasting me on facebook for the whole world to see? Of course she is angry about the things I said she sure as hell doesn't want people to know what type of mother she has been. She lives in her little world of denial, so exposing her just bursted her little bubble!
Whats even funnier is about a year or so ago, my mom decided to "write a book" about her physical and sexual abuse that she suffered as a child....and she let quite a few people read this "book" so why is it ok for her to write about her experiences, but when I write about mine, I am an attention seeking drama queen?? Oh that's right....it's because she is a selfish bitch, who thinks SHE is the only person who matters.
This just makes me realize more and more that I will NEVER go back to her bullshit. She is out of my life for a reason.....so STAY OUT!
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