Here's to the big life!

One of my friends posted this on Facebook today,  and it really got me thinking! When I first started this blog it was because I wanted to talk about my experiences with panic attacks and anxiety, which led me into sharing some very intimate details about my life, I thought that by starting at the beginning, and going through all the pain again, it would some how help me heal, but really all it did was just bring all that pain right back to the surface.

The truth is, I will probably never understand why my parents treated me the way that they did but honestly, it doesn't even really matter now because neither one of them are a part of my life anymore, and I couldn't be happier. After  reading this quote today, I  realized that I don't need to keep those bad memories alive in order to heal. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for, and I do not need to dwell in the past. I am much more than that abused little girl who has held on to that hurt for so many years. I can do better, be better, in fact I AM better. 

The healing process is not quick, and I am still learning that, I am also learning how to love the person that I am, and I'm actually starting to really like myself....which is a BIG step for me!  Getting rid of the negativity in my life was like being born again! Things are much clearer to me now, and I am willing and able to go after what I want, need, and DESERVE!

Of course I was sad, that's part of the reason I was talking about my abusive past, but there is no more room for sadness here, it's all about moving on, and cherishing the love that I have from my husband, my kids, and my family on my husbands side.

So I'm sorry if my readers feel like I "left em hangin'" but I have decided not to entertain that "small life" anymore because I don't want to be stuck there. I want to LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE!! and there is no room to do that If I'm letting my abusers win. So from now on, that past stays in the past!

Here's to the BIG LIFE!

Teenagers!

I know that I have been a bad blogger, and I have not been blogging much  It has been a little hectic for us lately, hubby has been working some overtime, I'm busy working and being mommy, and we are preparing for the upcoming school year.....whew! I'm tired already!! :D

Something totally exciting and scary has happened as well....my oldest daughter has turned 13!!! You heard that right! I am now the parent of a TEENAGER! Yikes! Where did the time go? I have NO idea!

 The scary part is, knowing that my baby girl is growing up before my eyes, and before we know it she will be graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. The exciting part, is being blessed enough to be part of her transformation into adulthood. I feel so much pride and joy when I look at my daughter. She cares so much for others, and she is just an all around good person. My heart swells with joy and love for her! We share a very special bond, and I cherish that.

If there is only one thing in this world that I could wish for, it is that my children know how hard I have tried to be a great mom to them, and give them all the love and support that they deserve. To never treat them as if they are a burden to me, and to always let them know that I will NEVER turn my back on them, like my parents did to me.

Look at that SMILE.......we must be doing SOMETHING right!

One big happy family

I have skipped around in my blog, going from the past to the present, and then back again, but I hope that I haven't confused my readers TOO much!

A lot of things have changed in our lives over the past couple of years, but with each passing day things are getting easier. I am a much happier person now that I have all of that negativity out of my life. I am not being judged, used  and constantly put down, and it feels great to wake up each day and realize that I DO matter, and that I am loved UNCONDITIONALLY....by at least 4 people in this world :)

So today's post will be dedicated to my husband, and my children, and to all of the GREAT things that are happening in my life right now!  The past is the past, and I can't ever change it, but I can use it as motivation for change in my own life and to understand what NOT to do as a parent. 

Things are going great in my life, and I am very thankful for that. I have a really good job, and have even recently started investing  in a retirement account with my company (which is a big step for me because it has been quite a while since I have had a decent job)

My little guy (who turned 5 in February) will be starting kindergarten in September, WOW! my little man is growing up so fast. He is very ready to start school which is a relief, but mommy will miss him! I'm sure, that just like everything else, we will adjust. I do have to say, the alone time will be nice. For the first time in 13yrs I will actually have time to do what I want....that's kinda exciting! My little guy lost his 2nd tooth today! Geeeez, I can't believe how big my kids are getting! I know I am biased, but I do have to say that I have 3 amazing kids! We frequently get compliments on how well mannered, polite, and respectful our kids are...so we must be doing SOMETHING right. My kids bring me so much joy, and unconditional love, I am truly blessed!



My youngest daughter, just had her dance recital last weekend, and it was wonderful and bittersweet all at the same time. See, my step-dad Mike used to LOVE to watch my daughter dance in her recital, the only year he missed it was when he was in the hospital. So I was happy to see her dance, but so sad  because I miss my dad, but I'm sure he was watching down from heaven!

   

My oldest daughter will be 13 in about 3 weeks...YIKES, I'm too YOUNG to have a TEENAGER! I am so proud of my daughter, she amazes me on a daily basis. She is so kind, and loving and she is always looking for ways to help others. She has a heart of gold. I am so proud to be her mother!

My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in May, and I am still amazed on a daily basis how wonderful he is. He is patient, kind, generous, and loving. We have had our share of bumpy roads, but as long as he is by my side I believe that we can and will get through anything. He is everything that I want and need, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him!

So, yes things have changed in the past  few years, but change doesn't always equal bad. I am sad sometimes that my parents are missing out on what wonderful kids I have, but then I remind myself that if they REALLY cared about my kids they would stop trying to blame ME for everything and actually GROW up, be adults and try to FIX this situation. I cannot hold on to that hope anymore, I MUST let go.

We will continue to move forward as one big happy family!

Lifes choices....and learning

I am 35 and yes I have made some bad choices in my life (who hasn't) but I am on the path to learning how to live with those decisions, and not beat myself up for them.

More specifically I have been thinking about my choice to end my relationships with my parents, and my brother. I have learned a few lessons throughout this process, some good....some bad, but I'm learning nonetheless.

I have learned that no matter how badly you want someone to change you can not will it to happen. They have to WANT to change, but if they don't have it in em', you are fighting a losing battle, and that's where I am now in this process. I am seeing things with a new set of eyes...open ones! For so long, I was in denial right along with the rest of my family, it was only after I got out of the abuse that I was able to see just how truly dysfunctional my family really is.

Am I perfect? HECK NO, but I am able to see things a lot more clearly now and the future looks bright. The healing process is a funny thing, but I'm trusting the process and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.....look out!

What kind of mother?

Throughout my life I have faced many challenges but getting through the emotional damage has proven to be one of my most difficult. I wrestled with the idea of severing my relationships with my parents for a LONG time, I put up with a LOT from both of them before I finally said..enough is ENOUGH. 

Even though I cut my ties many months ago, from what I hear my mother is still bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen to her. It used to bother me, but now it just makes me LAUGH, and I realize more and more just how miserable a person she really is. She keeps telling everyone that I am "making things up" or that my memories are "wrong" and that I need to just "get over it, it's been 30 years" Well, she is right about one thing...I do need to learn how to get over what she has done, and I am making great strides in that direction, BUT I honestly don't think she even fathoms, or cares to for that matter, the extent of the emotional damage that she has inflicted. It has literally impacted my WHOLE LIFE, and yet she is so quick to dismiss me, and tell me to "get over it" Does this sound to you like someone who is sorry for what they've done?

I guess my question to her would be, "If you are so convinced that you were a good mother, and did the best you could than why do you constantly feel the need to explain, and justify your actions to your friends and other family members? Why are you on such a mission to make me look bad? It's because you are GUILTY and you know it! Just keep lying to your friends, they won't know any better, but YOU and I both do, and that's all that matters! No matter how many people you lie to, the FACTS will still remain the same, so go ahead, keep lying!

She is a master manipulator, and will do anything to make herself look like a victim in any situation, it's ALWAYS someone else's fault and this is just another example.
Is it not enough that she and my father have caused so much emotional damage that I'm STILL trying to get over it? Is it not enough, that I don't talk to her anymore? I mean, what kind of mother makes it her mission to destroy her child? Try as she might, she will NOT succeed. I am happier than I have ever been now that she is out of my life, and even though it has been a struggle, and will probably continue to be for a while...I am taking steps forward each day, and learning how to heal! I will keep working at being a better person, and although I'm not there yet....one day I WILL be completely OVER this, and where will she be? Alone with her LIES!

My reason to make it through!

After Mark and I split up, I moved in with a friend and lived my life for a while, but my heart always ached for him. I always tried to put him out of my mind, but it was pointless. Everything in me  told me that he was "the one" but I just kept trying to ignore my heart. After moving out we would talk some but I tried to avoid him because seeing him was too hard. For some reason, I felt as if I had failed him, and that was damage that I could not "undo" so I decided to let him go. He could go on with his life, and I would try to do the same.

I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!

We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did  my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.

I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.

When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?

So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job,  and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!

So,  I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!

Twists and Turns

I was 18 when I moved out of my mom and Mikes house

  I found a job at Meijer, and that is where I met Mark...he is my husband. I'm just giving you fair warning...... here comes the "mushy" part ;)

I don't think that their are adequate words in the english language  to express the love and admiration that I have for this man! He is wonderful beyond comprehension. Can you tell that I adore him? ;) Ok, more mushy stuff later....see, that wasn't so bad!

We started dating when I was 18, and he was 17...yes, I'm the "older woman" hehehe. Our relationship was tough for a few years not only because we were so young, but also because we came from two totally  different backgrounds which caused some issues. I was a damaged, scared "little girl" in a womans body, I had no idea how to function in an intimate relationship all I knew was what was shown to my throughout my life which was total dysfunction, so I would constantly fight with Mark.I had grown up in such dysfunction, that I didn't feel normal UNLESS we were fighting. I'm sure this had to be hard for Mark to understand because he comes from a family that loves him. So for someone who was shown love his whole life, I'm sure it must have been confusing for him to understand why I came with so much baggage. God bless this man for sticking by me the way he did. he obviously saw something in me that I couldn't even see becasue he continued to stick by me, and love me.....as broken as I was, he still wanted to be with me, and not only did he WANT to be with me, he wanted to help me.

He is so patient and kind, when I look into his eyes I see....LOVE. I honestly believe that God brought us together because Mark is everything that I need, and my life feels complete because of him. It hasn't always been easy we have been through a lot of things, but the love that we have for each other keeps us going, in fact we just celebrated our ten year anniversary on May 4th!

We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant, yes we were young and obviously not being very careful but I loved him and I knew he loved me so we were determined to make it work. My pregnancy was pretty unevenful until about 6 months into it, and just like that....with no warning, I went into labor, it was way too soon, and the baby died inside of me before I could make it to the hospital. The placenta had seperated, and there was nothing that could be done. So here we are...teenagers, and we lost or first baby. Needless to say, it was very hard for the both of us, we tried to move on from it and 6 weeks later, we were pregnant again...I know, I KNOW what you are saying. GOOD LORD GIRL, use some protection! It goes without saying, that I have made some bad decisions in my lifetime. So here we are again...pregnant. I went to the doctor and found of that I was indeed pregnant again, but 2 weeks later I miscarried AGAIN! I think that losing another baby sent me over the edge, and I broke. My relationship with Mark was crumbling, and I didn't put up a fight to save it. We eneded up splitting up.