Throughout my life I have faced many challenges but getting through the emotional damage has proven to be one of my most difficult. I wrestled with the idea of severing my relationships with my parents for a LONG time, I put up with a LOT from both of them before I finally said..enough is ENOUGH.
Even though I cut my ties many months ago, from what I hear my mother is still bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen to her. It used to bother me, but now it just makes me LAUGH, and I realize more and more just how miserable a person she really is. She keeps telling everyone that I am "making things up" or that my memories are "wrong" and that I need to just "get over it, it's been 30 years" Well, she is right about one thing...I do need to learn how to get over what she has done, and I am making great strides in that direction, BUT I honestly don't think she even fathoms, or cares to for that matter, the extent of the emotional damage that she has inflicted. It has literally impacted my WHOLE LIFE, and yet she is so quick to dismiss me, and tell me to "get over it" Does this sound to you like someone who is sorry for what they've done?
I guess my question to her would be, "If you are so convinced that you were a good mother, and did the best you could than why do you constantly feel the need to explain, and justify your actions to your friends and other family members? Why are you on such a mission to make me look bad? It's because you are GUILTY and you know it! Just keep lying to your friends, they won't know any better, but YOU and I both do, and that's all that matters! No matter how many people you lie to, the FACTS will still remain the same, so go ahead, keep lying!
She is a master manipulator, and will do anything to make herself look like a victim in any situation, it's ALWAYS someone else's fault and this is just another example.
Is it not enough that she and my father have caused so much emotional damage that I'm STILL trying to get over it? Is it not enough, that I don't talk to her anymore? I mean, what kind of mother makes it her mission to destroy her child? Try as she might, she will NOT succeed. I am happier than I have ever been now that she is out of my life, and even though it has been a struggle, and will probably continue to be for a while...I am taking steps forward each day, and learning how to heal! I will keep working at being a better person, and although I'm not there yet....one day I WILL be completely OVER this, and where will she be? Alone with her LIES!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
My reason to make it through!
After Mark and I split up, I moved in with a friend and lived my life for a while, but my heart always ached for him. I always tried to put him out of my mind, but it was pointless. Everything in me told me that he was "the one" but I just kept trying to ignore my heart. After moving out we would talk some but I tried to avoid him because seeing him was too hard. For some reason, I felt as if I had failed him, and that was damage that I could not "undo" so I decided to let him go. He could go on with his life, and I would try to do the same.
I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!
We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.
I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.
When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?
So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job, and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!
So, I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!
I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!
We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.
I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.
When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?
So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job, and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!
So, I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!
Twists and Turns
I was 18 when I moved out of my mom and Mikes house
I found a job at Meijer, and that is where I met Mark...he is my husband. I'm just giving you fair warning...... here comes the "mushy" part ;)
I don't think that their are adequate words in the english language to express the love and admiration that I have for this man! He is wonderful beyond comprehension. Can you tell that I adore him? ;) Ok, more mushy stuff later....see, that wasn't so bad!
We started dating when I was 18, and he was 17...yes, I'm the "older woman" hehehe. Our relationship was tough for a few years not only because we were so young, but also because we came from two totally different backgrounds which caused some issues. I was a damaged, scared "little girl" in a womans body, I had no idea how to function in an intimate relationship all I knew was what was shown to my throughout my life which was total dysfunction, so I would constantly fight with Mark.I had grown up in such dysfunction, that I didn't feel normal UNLESS we were fighting. I'm sure this had to be hard for Mark to understand because he comes from a family that loves him. So for someone who was shown love his whole life, I'm sure it must have been confusing for him to understand why I came with so much baggage. God bless this man for sticking by me the way he did. he obviously saw something in me that I couldn't even see becasue he continued to stick by me, and love me.....as broken as I was, he still wanted to be with me, and not only did he WANT to be with me, he wanted to help me.
He is so patient and kind, when I look into his eyes I see....LOVE. I honestly believe that God brought us together because Mark is everything that I need, and my life feels complete because of him. It hasn't always been easy we have been through a lot of things, but the love that we have for each other keeps us going, in fact we just celebrated our ten year anniversary on May 4th!
We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant, yes we were young and obviously not being very careful but I loved him and I knew he loved me so we were determined to make it work. My pregnancy was pretty unevenful until about 6 months into it, and just like that....with no warning, I went into labor, it was way too soon, and the baby died inside of me before I could make it to the hospital. The placenta had seperated, and there was nothing that could be done. So here we are...teenagers, and we lost or first baby. Needless to say, it was very hard for the both of us, we tried to move on from it and 6 weeks later, we were pregnant again...I know, I KNOW what you are saying. GOOD LORD GIRL, use some protection! It goes without saying, that I have made some bad decisions in my lifetime. So here we are again...pregnant. I went to the doctor and found of that I was indeed pregnant again, but 2 weeks later I miscarried AGAIN! I think that losing another baby sent me over the edge, and I broke. My relationship with Mark was crumbling, and I didn't put up a fight to save it. We eneded up splitting up.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Blood doesn't make you family!
So I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend Mike I totally expected it to suck, but it really didn't. I was amazed at how "NORMAL" Mike was, he didn't hit me, he didn't scream at me...maybe this will be a good thing after all. I got to meet all of Mikes family, they are GREAT people, they accepted me right from the start, and let me tell you....It made me feel wonderful to be part of a LOVING, and CARING family. Lord only knows what this man saw in MY MOTHER...but hey, who am I to question it..I was just happy to be part of it!
I cannot say enough good things about Mike, he was more of a father to me than my own father ever HOPED to be, and he did it gladly. I loved sitting and listening to Mike tell me stories, he had a way of just captivating you, and leaving you wanting to hear more. He was very smart, and loved to work on cars so anytime I had a problem....I knew right where to go, BUT he wouldn't just fix it for me, he made me help him so that I would learn as well. I can change an alternator, change my own oil...any many other things thanks to him!
After I turned 19 I moved out, because my mom said it was time for me to go. So again, I was feeling a sense of loss.....here I was, FINALLY with someone who CARED about me, and she was making me LEAVE....WTH! and of course when I told her I didn't want to move out, she told me that I was "just afraid to grow up" That was NOT it at all, I didn't want to leave because for once in my life I felt like I had an ally...I didn't want to give that up, but I had no choice....she told me to get out, so I did. I went to live with a friend, until I met Mark (who is now my husband,I will get to him later)
My relationship with Mike continued to grow over the years, but we got even closer after I started having kids. Mike adored my kids, which made me love him even more. To be honest, I had never had anyone like him in my life....ever, so I cherished my relationship with him......He wasn't a very "emotional" type of guy, but I always knew that he cared just by the way he treated me and I was the happiest I had ever been. He was my DAD! It just goes to show you, you don't have to be "blood" to be family.
I cannot say enough good things about Mike, he was more of a father to me than my own father ever HOPED to be, and he did it gladly. I loved sitting and listening to Mike tell me stories, he had a way of just captivating you, and leaving you wanting to hear more. He was very smart, and loved to work on cars so anytime I had a problem....I knew right where to go, BUT he wouldn't just fix it for me, he made me help him so that I would learn as well. I can change an alternator, change my own oil...any many other things thanks to him!
After I turned 19 I moved out, because my mom said it was time for me to go. So again, I was feeling a sense of loss.....here I was, FINALLY with someone who CARED about me, and she was making me LEAVE....WTH! and of course when I told her I didn't want to move out, she told me that I was "just afraid to grow up" That was NOT it at all, I didn't want to leave because for once in my life I felt like I had an ally...I didn't want to give that up, but I had no choice....she told me to get out, so I did. I went to live with a friend, until I met Mark (who is now my husband,I will get to him later)
My relationship with Mike continued to grow over the years, but we got even closer after I started having kids. Mike adored my kids, which made me love him even more. To be honest, I had never had anyone like him in my life....ever, so I cherished my relationship with him......He wasn't a very "emotional" type of guy, but I always knew that he cared just by the way he treated me and I was the happiest I had ever been. He was my DAD! It just goes to show you, you don't have to be "blood" to be family.
An angel arrives....FINALLY!
So we get to Michigan, and my dad takes me to my moms apartment, and just drops me off. I BEGGED him not to leave me here, because I remember VERY well how abusive this woman is, I DON'T want to be left with her. My dad just looked at me and said "you did this to yourself, and if you try to run away your mother is going to put you in a foster home" Hell, if I would have been thinking clearly at the time, that's exactly what I SHOULD HAVE DONE, it had to be better than these crazy people.
Even though I hadn't seen my mom very much at all in the past years, my dad thought that THIS would be a good idea....wow, as soon as I moved here, my mom made it VERY clear that when I turned 18 I had to move out. Wow, thanks mom I haven't seen you in YEARS, and you are already telling me that I'm OUT when I'm 18!
So at least for a little while I was stuck here, so I tried to make the best of it. Even though I would graduate in 3 months, I still made friends fairly quickly at my new school and did my best to live a normal life. The only good thing about the situation, was that my BROTHER was here. I cried a lot, because I had been ripped out of the only life I had ever known...no matter how abusive it was, it was MY life and it had been changed forever. I can remember many nights I would be crying, and Todd ( my brother) would sit by me on the couch and tell me that "everything would be ok"....I miss THAT part of my brother, but I don't know him anymore, he has turned into a very mean and unhappy man...but I guess years of abuse will do that to you!
My mom had a boyfriend when I moved to Michigan his name was Mike (more about him later) she had her own apartment, but spent almost everyday with Mike, so she left me and my brother alone...A LOT. So needless to say, we got into some trouble. We were teenagers with NO guidance...what did she expect? My brother was very heavily into drugs, and remained that way for years, I looked up to him so I followed in his footsteps, not with the drugs, but the drinking (heavily) and partying all the time. Actually, when I look back on it, as dysfunctional as it was, I ENJOYED partying with my brother...everyone knew us, we were very popular among our friends...it felt good!
My brother ended up moving out of my moms apartment, and got his own apartment with a friend, I wanted to go SO badly but obviously I couldn't so again...he left me. My mom ended up moving in with her boyfriend Mike after my brother left so I went with her. I had met Mike before, but didn't know him very well at the time so I was nervous about living there. He has a daughter who is around my age, so I thought that was pretty cool I would have a "sister". I had NO idea how this man and his family would change my life....for the better :)
Even though I hadn't seen my mom very much at all in the past years, my dad thought that THIS would be a good idea....wow, as soon as I moved here, my mom made it VERY clear that when I turned 18 I had to move out. Wow, thanks mom I haven't seen you in YEARS, and you are already telling me that I'm OUT when I'm 18!
So at least for a little while I was stuck here, so I tried to make the best of it. Even though I would graduate in 3 months, I still made friends fairly quickly at my new school and did my best to live a normal life. The only good thing about the situation, was that my BROTHER was here. I cried a lot, because I had been ripped out of the only life I had ever known...no matter how abusive it was, it was MY life and it had been changed forever. I can remember many nights I would be crying, and Todd ( my brother) would sit by me on the couch and tell me that "everything would be ok"....I miss THAT part of my brother, but I don't know him anymore, he has turned into a very mean and unhappy man...but I guess years of abuse will do that to you!
My mom had a boyfriend when I moved to Michigan his name was Mike (more about him later) she had her own apartment, but spent almost everyday with Mike, so she left me and my brother alone...A LOT. So needless to say, we got into some trouble. We were teenagers with NO guidance...what did she expect? My brother was very heavily into drugs, and remained that way for years, I looked up to him so I followed in his footsteps, not with the drugs, but the drinking (heavily) and partying all the time. Actually, when I look back on it, as dysfunctional as it was, I ENJOYED partying with my brother...everyone knew us, we were very popular among our friends...it felt good!
My brother ended up moving out of my moms apartment, and got his own apartment with a friend, I wanted to go SO badly but obviously I couldn't so again...he left me. My mom ended up moving in with her boyfriend Mike after my brother left so I went with her. I had met Mike before, but didn't know him very well at the time so I was nervous about living there. He has a daughter who is around my age, so I thought that was pretty cool I would have a "sister". I had NO idea how this man and his family would change my life....for the better :)
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
This has to be better.....right?
So after my brother left, things were hard, but I managed. I didn't see him again for 3 years. My dad and his wife were still married ( I think, but not living together anymore) So yep you guessed it....back to my grandparents house.
One day my dad just decided that it was time for me to go live with my mom, because he thought that I was dating a black boy (excellent reason to disown me, don't you think) and of course he wasn't going to have THAT! and decided that it would be a great idea if he made me go live with my MOM.
Did I mention that he isn't too intelligent? So here is how that story went.....
I had been working all day that day ( I worked at Wendys at the time) so I had come home and was taking a nap in my room when I hear someone BEATING on my door, I mean literally beating on it like the house was on fire. I open the door, and there is my father....he tells me "pack your shit you are going to live with your mother" No discussion, no explanation, no nothing just "pack your shit" well of course I was stunned, I just woke up! and I had no idea why the hell he was doing this to me so of course I said NO.
Well, in my family if you show any signs of disobedience you were just asking to get the shit beat out of you! so of course that is EXACTLY what happened, only this wasn't some light spanking. This was a full body contact.....ASS KICKING. As soon as I said no, it was "game on" I went and sat down on my bed, and said "I'm not going anywhere" and of course my dad had a different idea, so he came in and grabbed me, and lifted me straight up in the air (my dad is a very big man, and was a professional boxer at one point in his life) so he had the strength, and ability to inflict some major damage! So at this point I am scared to death because I know I'm about to get really hurt. The whole time, I am asking him why he is doing this and he just kept saying " you know exactly why" but at that point I had NO idea. I found out later. So here I am, in the grips of this man who I KNOW is going to hurt me, and I can't get away. So I start kicking him to try and free myself from his grip. IT WORKED, he dropped me so I took off running towards my bedroom door, I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could, but just as I reached the door I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and SLAM right into the wall I went....that one hurt! Somehow I managed to get up and try to run again, this time I made it to the front door but he was never far behind. I did make it into the street, and I was SCREAMING for help, for someone to call the police.....I was CONVINCED he was going to KILL ME. He had this look in his eye, I can't even describe it........PURE EVIL but that help never came.
My dad forced me into the car and drove me 3 hours to my moms here in Michigan. He dropped me off, and I didn't see him again until my grandmother died a few years later. There was a silver lining to this cloud though, my brother! I was reunited with him....so this HAD TO BE BETTER......RIGHT?
One day my dad just decided that it was time for me to go live with my mom, because he thought that I was dating a black boy (excellent reason to disown me, don't you think) and of course he wasn't going to have THAT! and decided that it would be a great idea if he made me go live with my MOM.
Did I mention that he isn't too intelligent? So here is how that story went.....
I had been working all day that day ( I worked at Wendys at the time) so I had come home and was taking a nap in my room when I hear someone BEATING on my door, I mean literally beating on it like the house was on fire. I open the door, and there is my father....he tells me "pack your shit you are going to live with your mother" No discussion, no explanation, no nothing just "pack your shit" well of course I was stunned, I just woke up! and I had no idea why the hell he was doing this to me so of course I said NO.
Well, in my family if you show any signs of disobedience you were just asking to get the shit beat out of you! so of course that is EXACTLY what happened, only this wasn't some light spanking. This was a full body contact.....ASS KICKING. As soon as I said no, it was "game on" I went and sat down on my bed, and said "I'm not going anywhere" and of course my dad had a different idea, so he came in and grabbed me, and lifted me straight up in the air (my dad is a very big man, and was a professional boxer at one point in his life) so he had the strength, and ability to inflict some major damage! So at this point I am scared to death because I know I'm about to get really hurt. The whole time, I am asking him why he is doing this and he just kept saying " you know exactly why" but at that point I had NO idea. I found out later. So here I am, in the grips of this man who I KNOW is going to hurt me, and I can't get away. So I start kicking him to try and free myself from his grip. IT WORKED, he dropped me so I took off running towards my bedroom door, I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could, but just as I reached the door I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and SLAM right into the wall I went....that one hurt! Somehow I managed to get up and try to run again, this time I made it to the front door but he was never far behind. I did make it into the street, and I was SCREAMING for help, for someone to call the police.....I was CONVINCED he was going to KILL ME. He had this look in his eye, I can't even describe it........PURE EVIL but that help never came.
My dad forced me into the car and drove me 3 hours to my moms here in Michigan. He dropped me off, and I didn't see him again until my grandmother died a few years later. There was a silver lining to this cloud though, my brother! I was reunited with him....so this HAD TO BE BETTER......RIGHT?
Now what?
After living with my grandparents for a few years, my dad decided to move us into his girlfriends house. She had two sons (twins) they were precious, and I adored them but that didn't last long, so it was back to my grandparents house until he decided to take us with him again.
My dad met a woman and married her, she had 3 sons ( I still talk to them) It was rough trying to blend the family but we did our best. It was nice to have a mother figure in my life. She always tried to be there for me and I appreciate it, but I certainly didn't make things easy for her. I hope that she forgives me lol. I was broken at that point, I didn't really want to get close to anyone else. I was afraid to be hurt.....again.
At this point, things didn't seem to be too bad. Maybe it was because my dad didn't want to show his true colors to his new wife, I'm not sure, but I remember this time in my life being.....at least bearable, but as dysfunction goes, it didn't take long for something to happen. My brother was about 15 at this point and I was 14. My dad and my brother started to butt heads.....badly, and I remember them getting into an arguement and my brother saying " I'm gonna go live with mom" and my dad just said "good, GO" and I'm like WTF, wait.....NO, Don't leave me! I always looked up to my brother, in a lot of ways I felt like he was all I had, and now he's just gonna leave me.....GREAT, and just like that....a few days later he was GONE.......NOW WHAT?
I did my best not to think about it, but it did bother me a lot. I felt like he abandoned me, but little did I know, it wouldn't be long before I would join him......even though it wasn't my choice!
My dad met a woman and married her, she had 3 sons ( I still talk to them) It was rough trying to blend the family but we did our best. It was nice to have a mother figure in my life. She always tried to be there for me and I appreciate it, but I certainly didn't make things easy for her. I hope that she forgives me lol. I was broken at that point, I didn't really want to get close to anyone else. I was afraid to be hurt.....again.
At this point, things didn't seem to be too bad. Maybe it was because my dad didn't want to show his true colors to his new wife, I'm not sure, but I remember this time in my life being.....at least bearable, but as dysfunction goes, it didn't take long for something to happen. My brother was about 15 at this point and I was 14. My dad and my brother started to butt heads.....badly, and I remember them getting into an arguement and my brother saying " I'm gonna go live with mom" and my dad just said "good, GO" and I'm like WTF, wait.....NO, Don't leave me! I always looked up to my brother, in a lot of ways I felt like he was all I had, and now he's just gonna leave me.....GREAT, and just like that....a few days later he was GONE.......NOW WHAT?
I did my best not to think about it, but it did bother me a lot. I felt like he abandoned me, but little did I know, it wouldn't be long before I would join him......even though it wasn't my choice!
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