What is LOVE?

I'm sure that everyone has their own definition of what love is, or what love should be...myself included. I look back on my life....the people, places, and things and I have realized that I was never given "real love" until I met my husband, and had children. I am blessed beyond measure to have him, his family, and my kids in my life, and I will never take them for granted.

I was always shown love that was conditional...the "I will love you IF type of love" it was always a roller coaster with my family. Constant manipulation was a way of life, my dad who is in his 50's would borrow money from me a lot, and like a fool I always fell for his "sob stories" because I thought I was being a bad daughter if I went against either of my parents. My mom was more discreet in her manipulations, she used guilt....A LOT, she would make me feel bad for her, so that I would do things to help her, and even when I  did help her she would STILL go behind my back and say bad things about me, it was a LOSE/LOSE situation.

Let me give you an example:  My step dad Mike died two years ago in November, and shortly after my dad died my mom was having a hard time dealing with things, so I would go over to her house to keep her company, help her clean, pretty much whatever she needed at the time, and I was happy to do it, because I wanted to be there for her in her time of need. Well, as time went on, she was asking me almost everyday to do something or another ....which I did, but then I started to resent her because every time I would go over to her house, all she would do was talk about my brother.....and how helpful HE was being for her. So I finally decided to stop "putting myself out there" for her because she obviously didn't give a shit about what I was doing anyway. I know for a fact that my mom and dad both have always favored my brother, but it was just getting ridiculous and I couldn't deal with it anymore.So I started spending less and less time with her. A few months after Mike died my mom decided to take a trip to Las Vegas with one of her friends, and asked me to watch her dogs for her. Now keep in mind, my brother was layed off at the time, and lived about 3 minutes from her house, but she chose to ask me, and I live about 10 minutes from her...so I would have to drive back and forth at LEAST 2 times a day to let her dogs out, and feed them....so I declined. So I was at her house one day, (she had asked me to come clean her house for her....so I did) and I was sitting at her computer playing a game, and started being nosey in her emails....she KNEW about it, so don't freak out LOL...but I come across an email that she wrote to one of her friends about ME....saying that I was NOT being helpful to her since Mike had died and that I was being a BITCH to her because I wouldn't watch her dogs while she went to Vegas...YES folks she actually called me a BITCH in the email, simply because I wouldn't watch her dogs...so you see, my mom is the type of person who will "love you" as long as you do things for her, but the second you say no to her....she is out to get you.

Another time, she had to have shoulder surgery and asked me if I could take her home from the hospital....absolutely, and again, I was HAPPY to do it. I sat with her at the hospital for 7 hours and then took her to get her pain meds, and then went home with her to make sure she was all set up and going to be fine for the night. I came back in the early morning, and stayed with her pretty much all day, doing anything she needed, and I was completely happy to help. My brother did also help, but why shouldn't he, he was still layed off and was only minutes away. So after my mom was well enough she was on Facebook and posted how lucky she was to have my BROTHER helping her..not ONCE did she mention me at all......yes, I do realize that I sound a bit childish right now, but COME ON, it's almost like she goes out of her way to use me, and then hurt me! I don't get it. In her eyes, I can never do anything "good enough" to be loved by her.

As a mother, I cannot understand how a mother or father could NOT love their own child, but that is the case for me, and please before you start saying..."oh I'm sure your mother and father do love you" SAVE IT, because I could write a BOOK about the things that my parents have done, and trust me...it's NOT love, oh wait, isn't that kinda what I'm doing here? HAHAHAHA.

I worried about it for years...what did I do to make them hate me so much...so much that they go out of their way to cause me pain, but I believe that neither one of my parents are capable of showing real, genuine love because they were never shown how. They perpetuate this manipulative, selfish love to gain what they want. My mom uses money to control people, and my dad just manipulates and lies in order to get what he wants. It really is sad if you think about it.....to go through your entire adult life and not know......REAL, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I am thrilled to finally know what it means to love and BE loved in return. It feels amazing! To be able to hear " I love you Brandy" and actually BELIEVE IT! To be hugged, and feel the love in the embrace. To look into my husbands eyes, and she the adoration. To get butterflies after all these years. I am worth loving, and I'm so glad to have people in my life who show me love everyday!

It hurt me quite a bit to break off the relationships with my parents because although they didn't love me, I DID love them so it made it hard for me to just let go, but in doing so, I opened up my heart to real, honest, unconditional love, and that is what I wish for my parents. Unfortunately, I cannot offer that to them anymore, but I do hope that one day they find it because there is no better feeling in the world!

Getting Older

Tomorrow I will be 36 years old!

You know the old saying "what do you want to do/be when you grow up"? Well, coming from and extremely poor, and abusive family I never really gave that much thought. I just figured I would follow in my parents footsteps. Do the same things they did, make the same mistakes they made, and then just "end up" some place. Well, this is one of the times that I am glad that I was wrong.

 I'm no millionaire, and I'm not the skinniest girl in the world, but I'm ok with that, because I am ME. I can look at my life, and finally be happy about the person that I am. For those of you who know me....that is BIG! I was always made to believe that I didn't matter...even into my adulthood I was treated that way. It wasn't until I got rid of all of the abuse and negativity in my life, that I could finally step back and see that my abusers were WRONG. I DO matter, and I am finally coming out of the shadows.

I am making great strides in life, and if feels amazing. I am married to my best friend, I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for, friends that know the true meaning of love, trust and respect. I am surrounded by my TRUE FAMILY. The ones who have stood by me, even when times were rough, and never gave up on the broken person that I used to be. I am thrilled to say that  I'm not broken anymore, I've glued the pieces back together and I'm stronger than ever!

I have 3 of THE MOST amazing children on the planet, and I couldn't be happier with where my life is. Not only did I NOT follow in my parents footsteps, I have removed all of that poison from our lives, in order to make room for the things in life that REALLY matter.

I have decided that 36 is my "rebirth" the age that I finally really came alive! So I am totally OK with getting older, in fact  I cannot wait to see where the next 36 takes me. I hope that you will stick around to find out!

Here's to the big life!

One of my friends posted this on Facebook today,  and it really got me thinking! When I first started this blog it was because I wanted to talk about my experiences with panic attacks and anxiety, which led me into sharing some very intimate details about my life, I thought that by starting at the beginning, and going through all the pain again, it would some how help me heal, but really all it did was just bring all that pain right back to the surface.

The truth is, I will probably never understand why my parents treated me the way that they did but honestly, it doesn't even really matter now because neither one of them are a part of my life anymore, and I couldn't be happier. After  reading this quote today, I  realized that I don't need to keep those bad memories alive in order to heal. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for, and I do not need to dwell in the past. I am much more than that abused little girl who has held on to that hurt for so many years. I can do better, be better, in fact I AM better. 

The healing process is not quick, and I am still learning that, I am also learning how to love the person that I am, and I'm actually starting to really like myself....which is a BIG step for me!  Getting rid of the negativity in my life was like being born again! Things are much clearer to me now, and I am willing and able to go after what I want, need, and DESERVE!

Of course I was sad, that's part of the reason I was talking about my abusive past, but there is no more room for sadness here, it's all about moving on, and cherishing the love that I have from my husband, my kids, and my family on my husbands side.

So I'm sorry if my readers feel like I "left em hangin'" but I have decided not to entertain that "small life" anymore because I don't want to be stuck there. I want to LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE!! and there is no room to do that If I'm letting my abusers win. So from now on, that past stays in the past!

Here's to the BIG LIFE!

Teenagers!

I know that I have been a bad blogger, and I have not been blogging much  It has been a little hectic for us lately, hubby has been working some overtime, I'm busy working and being mommy, and we are preparing for the upcoming school year.....whew! I'm tired already!! :D

Something totally exciting and scary has happened as well....my oldest daughter has turned 13!!! You heard that right! I am now the parent of a TEENAGER! Yikes! Where did the time go? I have NO idea!

 The scary part is, knowing that my baby girl is growing up before my eyes, and before we know it she will be graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. The exciting part, is being blessed enough to be part of her transformation into adulthood. I feel so much pride and joy when I look at my daughter. She cares so much for others, and she is just an all around good person. My heart swells with joy and love for her! We share a very special bond, and I cherish that.

If there is only one thing in this world that I could wish for, it is that my children know how hard I have tried to be a great mom to them, and give them all the love and support that they deserve. To never treat them as if they are a burden to me, and to always let them know that I will NEVER turn my back on them, like my parents did to me.

Look at that SMILE.......we must be doing SOMETHING right!

One big happy family

I have skipped around in my blog, going from the past to the present, and then back again, but I hope that I haven't confused my readers TOO much!

A lot of things have changed in our lives over the past couple of years, but with each passing day things are getting easier. I am a much happier person now that I have all of that negativity out of my life. I am not being judged, used  and constantly put down, and it feels great to wake up each day and realize that I DO matter, and that I am loved UNCONDITIONALLY....by at least 4 people in this world :)

So today's post will be dedicated to my husband, and my children, and to all of the GREAT things that are happening in my life right now!  The past is the past, and I can't ever change it, but I can use it as motivation for change in my own life and to understand what NOT to do as a parent. 

Things are going great in my life, and I am very thankful for that. I have a really good job, and have even recently started investing  in a retirement account with my company (which is a big step for me because it has been quite a while since I have had a decent job)

My little guy (who turned 5 in February) will be starting kindergarten in September, WOW! my little man is growing up so fast. He is very ready to start school which is a relief, but mommy will miss him! I'm sure, that just like everything else, we will adjust. I do have to say, the alone time will be nice. For the first time in 13yrs I will actually have time to do what I want....that's kinda exciting! My little guy lost his 2nd tooth today! Geeeez, I can't believe how big my kids are getting! I know I am biased, but I do have to say that I have 3 amazing kids! We frequently get compliments on how well mannered, polite, and respectful our kids are...so we must be doing SOMETHING right. My kids bring me so much joy, and unconditional love, I am truly blessed!



My youngest daughter, just had her dance recital last weekend, and it was wonderful and bittersweet all at the same time. See, my step-dad Mike used to LOVE to watch my daughter dance in her recital, the only year he missed it was when he was in the hospital. So I was happy to see her dance, but so sad  because I miss my dad, but I'm sure he was watching down from heaven!

   

My oldest daughter will be 13 in about 3 weeks...YIKES, I'm too YOUNG to have a TEENAGER! I am so proud of my daughter, she amazes me on a daily basis. She is so kind, and loving and she is always looking for ways to help others. She has a heart of gold. I am so proud to be her mother!

My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in May, and I am still amazed on a daily basis how wonderful he is. He is patient, kind, generous, and loving. We have had our share of bumpy roads, but as long as he is by my side I believe that we can and will get through anything. He is everything that I want and need, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him!

So, yes things have changed in the past  few years, but change doesn't always equal bad. I am sad sometimes that my parents are missing out on what wonderful kids I have, but then I remind myself that if they REALLY cared about my kids they would stop trying to blame ME for everything and actually GROW up, be adults and try to FIX this situation. I cannot hold on to that hope anymore, I MUST let go.

We will continue to move forward as one big happy family!

Lifes choices....and learning

I am 35 and yes I have made some bad choices in my life (who hasn't) but I am on the path to learning how to live with those decisions, and not beat myself up for them.

More specifically I have been thinking about my choice to end my relationships with my parents, and my brother. I have learned a few lessons throughout this process, some good....some bad, but I'm learning nonetheless.

I have learned that no matter how badly you want someone to change you can not will it to happen. They have to WANT to change, but if they don't have it in em', you are fighting a losing battle, and that's where I am now in this process. I am seeing things with a new set of eyes...open ones! For so long, I was in denial right along with the rest of my family, it was only after I got out of the abuse that I was able to see just how truly dysfunctional my family really is.

Am I perfect? HECK NO, but I am able to see things a lot more clearly now and the future looks bright. The healing process is a funny thing, but I'm trusting the process and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.....look out!

What kind of mother?

Throughout my life I have faced many challenges but getting through the emotional damage has proven to be one of my most difficult. I wrestled with the idea of severing my relationships with my parents for a LONG time, I put up with a LOT from both of them before I finally said..enough is ENOUGH. 

Even though I cut my ties many months ago, from what I hear my mother is still bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen to her. It used to bother me, but now it just makes me LAUGH, and I realize more and more just how miserable a person she really is. She keeps telling everyone that I am "making things up" or that my memories are "wrong" and that I need to just "get over it, it's been 30 years" Well, she is right about one thing...I do need to learn how to get over what she has done, and I am making great strides in that direction, BUT I honestly don't think she even fathoms, or cares to for that matter, the extent of the emotional damage that she has inflicted. It has literally impacted my WHOLE LIFE, and yet she is so quick to dismiss me, and tell me to "get over it" Does this sound to you like someone who is sorry for what they've done?

I guess my question to her would be, "If you are so convinced that you were a good mother, and did the best you could than why do you constantly feel the need to explain, and justify your actions to your friends and other family members? Why are you on such a mission to make me look bad? It's because you are GUILTY and you know it! Just keep lying to your friends, they won't know any better, but YOU and I both do, and that's all that matters! No matter how many people you lie to, the FACTS will still remain the same, so go ahead, keep lying!

She is a master manipulator, and will do anything to make herself look like a victim in any situation, it's ALWAYS someone else's fault and this is just another example.
Is it not enough that she and my father have caused so much emotional damage that I'm STILL trying to get over it? Is it not enough, that I don't talk to her anymore? I mean, what kind of mother makes it her mission to destroy her child? Try as she might, she will NOT succeed. I am happier than I have ever been now that she is out of my life, and even though it has been a struggle, and will probably continue to be for a while...I am taking steps forward each day, and learning how to heal! I will keep working at being a better person, and although I'm not there yet....one day I WILL be completely OVER this, and where will she be? Alone with her LIES!

My reason to make it through!

After Mark and I split up, I moved in with a friend and lived my life for a while, but my heart always ached for him. I always tried to put him out of my mind, but it was pointless. Everything in me  told me that he was "the one" but I just kept trying to ignore my heart. After moving out we would talk some but I tried to avoid him because seeing him was too hard. For some reason, I felt as if I had failed him, and that was damage that I could not "undo" so I decided to let him go. He could go on with his life, and I would try to do the same.

I dated a little, and did my best to distract myself from this hole in my heart, and then one day I met someone else. I dated this person for a few months, and became pregnant, as soon as I got pregnant, the "sperm donor" split, and that left me...alone. I went through the first few months of my pregnancy alone, and then one day out the of blue I got a call....from Mark and I thought to myself, "what is wrong with this guy, he just won't give up on me" He asked me if we could see each other, and so I agreed. I was honest with him about my pregnancy and he still stuck around....SEE I told you he is amazing!

We started seeing each other more often, and decided to give our relationship another try. I moved back in with Mark and did  my best to make things work. I would find out later, just how deeply he was hurt by the fact that I was pregnant by another man. He hid it well, but when Daryan was finally born, I found out just how rough things were going to get.

I went into labor on July 11, 1999 and Mark was there as well as Daryans "sperm donor" I will NOT call him her "dad" because he doesn't deserve that title. As soon as Mark laid eyes on Daryan you could just see his heartbreak. Looking back now, I think that Mark was hoping in some way that Daryan would be his, but when she was born reality hit him, and he didn't know how to handle it.

When I left the hospital, I went to stay with my mom because I was scared. I had this brand new baby, and no idea how to care of her. I only stayed at my moms for a week because I learned really quickly that I had to grow up and do this on my own. During my stay at my moms, I didn't hear from Mark ONCE, he never called to see how we were doing, and never came to visit me or the baby. I obviously knew that something was wrong, I just didn't know what because Mark had told me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy that no matter what he would stand by me. "The baby is a part of you, and I love you" is what he kept telling me so I was surprised at what he had to say when I came back home. He told me that I had to move out, because he could not handle raising another mans baby...wait, WHAT?

So that leaves me with a brand new baby, no job,  and NO money, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW? Mark told me that he would give me the money to find an apartment, which was nice, but I was stunned, sad, and most of all..angry!

So,  I went out and found an apartment for my daughter, and myself and was lucky enough to find a good job. I was on my own with a brand new baby, but I somehow felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK because I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to take care of this beautiful little girl! I wouldn't let anything hurt her! She was my reason for living! She was my reason to MAKE IT THROUGH!

Twists and Turns

I was 18 when I moved out of my mom and Mikes house

  I found a job at Meijer, and that is where I met Mark...he is my husband. I'm just giving you fair warning...... here comes the "mushy" part ;)

I don't think that their are adequate words in the english language  to express the love and admiration that I have for this man! He is wonderful beyond comprehension. Can you tell that I adore him? ;) Ok, more mushy stuff later....see, that wasn't so bad!

We started dating when I was 18, and he was 17...yes, I'm the "older woman" hehehe. Our relationship was tough for a few years not only because we were so young, but also because we came from two totally  different backgrounds which caused some issues. I was a damaged, scared "little girl" in a womans body, I had no idea how to function in an intimate relationship all I knew was what was shown to my throughout my life which was total dysfunction, so I would constantly fight with Mark.I had grown up in such dysfunction, that I didn't feel normal UNLESS we were fighting. I'm sure this had to be hard for Mark to understand because he comes from a family that loves him. So for someone who was shown love his whole life, I'm sure it must have been confusing for him to understand why I came with so much baggage. God bless this man for sticking by me the way he did. he obviously saw something in me that I couldn't even see becasue he continued to stick by me, and love me.....as broken as I was, he still wanted to be with me, and not only did he WANT to be with me, he wanted to help me.

He is so patient and kind, when I look into his eyes I see....LOVE. I honestly believe that God brought us together because Mark is everything that I need, and my life feels complete because of him. It hasn't always been easy we have been through a lot of things, but the love that we have for each other keeps us going, in fact we just celebrated our ten year anniversary on May 4th!

We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant, yes we were young and obviously not being very careful but I loved him and I knew he loved me so we were determined to make it work. My pregnancy was pretty unevenful until about 6 months into it, and just like that....with no warning, I went into labor, it was way too soon, and the baby died inside of me before I could make it to the hospital. The placenta had seperated, and there was nothing that could be done. So here we are...teenagers, and we lost or first baby. Needless to say, it was very hard for the both of us, we tried to move on from it and 6 weeks later, we were pregnant again...I know, I KNOW what you are saying. GOOD LORD GIRL, use some protection! It goes without saying, that I have made some bad decisions in my lifetime. So here we are again...pregnant. I went to the doctor and found of that I was indeed pregnant again, but 2 weeks later I miscarried AGAIN! I think that losing another baby sent me over the edge, and I broke. My relationship with Mark was crumbling, and I didn't put up a fight to save it. We eneded up splitting up.

Blood doesn't make you family!

So I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend Mike I totally expected it to suck, but it really didn't. I was amazed at how "NORMAL" Mike was, he didn't hit me, he didn't scream at me...maybe this will be a good thing after all. I got to meet all of Mikes family, they are GREAT people, they accepted me right from the start, and let me tell you....It made me feel wonderful to be part of a LOVING, and CARING family. Lord only knows what this man saw in MY MOTHER...but hey, who am I to question it..I was just happy to be part of it!

I cannot say enough good things about Mike, he was more of a father to me than my own father ever HOPED to be, and he did it gladly. I loved sitting and listening to Mike tell me stories, he had a way of just captivating you, and leaving you wanting to hear more. He was very smart, and loved to work on cars so anytime I had a problem....I knew right where to go, BUT he wouldn't just fix it for me, he made me help him so that I would learn as well. I can change an alternator, change my own oil...any many other things thanks to him!

After I turned 19 I moved out, because my mom said it was time for me to go. So again, I was feeling a sense of loss.....here I was, FINALLY with someone who CARED about me, and she was making me LEAVE....WTH! and of course when I told her I didn't want to move out, she told me that I was "just afraid to grow up" That was NOT it at all, I didn't want to leave because for once in my life I felt like I had an ally...I didn't want to give that up, but I  had no choice....she told me to get out, so I did. I went to live with a friend, until I  met Mark (who is now my husband,I will get to him later)

My relationship with Mike continued to grow over the years, but we got even closer after I started having kids. Mike adored my kids, which made me love him even more. To be honest, I had never had anyone like him in my life....ever, so I cherished my relationship with him......He wasn't a very "emotional" type of guy, but I always knew that he cared just by the way he treated me and I was the happiest I had ever been. He was my DAD!  It just goes to show you, you don't have to be "blood" to be family.

An angel arrives....FINALLY!

So we get to Michigan, and my dad takes me to my moms apartment, and just drops me off. I BEGGED him not to leave me here, because I remember VERY well how abusive this woman is, I DON'T want to be left with her. My dad just looked at me and said "you did this to yourself, and if you try to run away your mother is going to put you in a foster home" Hell, if I would have been thinking clearly at the time, that's exactly what I SHOULD HAVE DONE, it had to be better than these crazy people.

Even though I hadn't seen my mom very much at all in the past years, my dad thought that THIS would be a good idea....wow, as soon as I moved here, my mom made it VERY clear that when I turned 18 I had to move out. Wow, thanks mom I haven't seen you in YEARS, and you are already telling me that I'm OUT when I'm 18!

 So at least for a little while I was stuck here, so I tried to make the best of it. Even though I would graduate in 3 months, I still made friends fairly quickly at my new school and did my best to live a normal life. The only good thing about the situation, was that my BROTHER was here. I cried a lot, because I had been ripped out of the only life I had ever known...no matter how abusive it was, it was MY life and it had been changed forever.  I can remember many nights I would be crying, and Todd ( my brother)  would sit by me on the couch and tell me that "everything would be ok"....I miss THAT part of my brother, but I don't know him anymore, he has turned into a very mean and unhappy man...but I guess years of abuse will do that to you!

My mom had a boyfriend when I moved to Michigan his name was Mike (more about him later) she had her own apartment, but spent almost everyday with Mike, so she left me and my brother alone...A LOT. So needless to say, we got into some trouble. We were teenagers with NO guidance...what did she expect? My brother was very heavily into drugs, and remained that way for years, I looked up to him so I followed in his footsteps, not with the drugs, but the drinking (heavily) and partying all the time. Actually, when I look back on it, as dysfunctional as it was, I ENJOYED partying with my brother...everyone knew us, we were very popular among our friends...it felt good!

My brother ended up moving out of my moms apartment, and got his own apartment with a friend, I wanted to go SO badly but obviously I couldn't so again...he left me. My mom ended up moving in with her boyfriend Mike after my brother left so I went with her. I had met Mike before, but didn't know him very well at the time so I was nervous about living there. He has a daughter who is around my age, so I thought that was pretty cool I would have a "sister". I had NO idea how this man and his family would change my life....for the better :)

This has to be better.....right?

 So after my brother left, things were hard, but I managed. I didn't see him again for 3 years. My dad and his wife were still married ( I think, but not living together anymore) So yep you guessed it....back to my grandparents house.

One day my dad just decided that it was time for me to go live with my mom, because he thought that I was dating a black boy (excellent reason to disown me, don't you think) and of course he wasn't going to have THAT! and decided that it would be a great idea if he made me go live with my MOM.

 Did I mention that he isn't too intelligent? So here is how that story went.....

I had been working all day that day ( I worked at Wendys at the time) so I had come home and was taking a nap in my room when I hear someone BEATING on my door, I mean literally beating on it like the house was on fire. I open the door, and there is my father....he tells me "pack your shit you are going to live with your mother" No discussion, no explanation, no nothing just "pack your shit" well of course I was stunned, I just woke up! and I had no idea why the hell he was doing this to me so of course I said NO.

Well, in my family if you show any signs of disobedience you were just asking to get the shit beat out of you! so of course that is EXACTLY what happened, only this wasn't some light spanking. This was a full body contact.....ASS KICKING. As soon as I said no, it was "game on" I went and sat down on my bed, and said "I'm not going anywhere" and of course my dad had a different idea, so he came in and grabbed me, and lifted me straight up in the air (my dad is a very big man, and was a professional boxer at one point in his life) so he had the strength, and ability to inflict some major damage! So at this point I am scared to death because I know I'm about to get really hurt. The whole time, I am asking him why he is doing this and he just kept saying " you know exactly why" but at that point I had NO idea. I found out later. So here I am, in the grips of this man who I KNOW is going to hurt me, and I can't get away. So I start kicking him to try and free myself from his grip. IT WORKED, he dropped me so I took off running towards my bedroom door, I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could, but just as I reached the door I felt his hand grab the back of my neck, and SLAM right into the wall I went....that one hurt! Somehow I managed to get up and try to run again, this time I made it to the front door but he was never far behind. I did make it into the street, and I was SCREAMING for help, for someone to call the police.....I was CONVINCED he was going to KILL ME. He had this look in his eye, I can't even describe it........PURE EVIL but that help never came.

 My dad forced me into the car and drove me 3 hours to my moms here in Michigan. He dropped me off, and I didn't see him again until my grandmother died a few years later. There was a silver lining to this cloud though, my brother! I was reunited with him....so this HAD TO BE BETTER......RIGHT?

Now what?

After living with my grandparents for a few years, my dad decided to move us into his girlfriends house. She had two sons (twins) they were precious, and I adored them but that didn't last long, so it was back to my grandparents house until he decided to take us with him again.

My dad met a woman and married her, she had 3 sons ( I still talk to them) It was rough trying to blend the family but we did our best. It was nice to have a mother figure in my life. She always tried to be there for me and I appreciate it, but I certainly didn't make things easy for her. I hope that she forgives me lol. I was broken at that point, I didn't really want to get close to anyone else. I was afraid to be hurt.....again.

At this point, things didn't seem to be too bad. Maybe it was because my dad didn't want to show his true colors to his new wife, I'm not sure, but I remember this time in my life being.....at least bearable, but as dysfunction goes, it didn't take long for something to happen. My brother was about 15 at this point and I was 14. My dad and my brother started to butt heads.....badly, and I remember them getting into an arguement and my brother saying " I'm gonna go live with mom" and my dad just said "good, GO" and I'm like WTF, wait.....NO, Don't leave me! I always looked up to my brother, in a lot of ways I felt like he was all I had, and now he's just gonna leave me.....GREAT, and just like that....a few days later he was GONE.......NOW WHAT?

I did my best not to think about it, but it did bother me a lot. I felt like he abandoned me, but little did I know, it wouldn't be long before I would join him......even though it wasn't my choice!

Life goes on, and so will we!

I have been thinking a lot lately, about my past, about my life, and about my future. I am realizing that although I have had some really shitty things happen to me in my life, I CAN be better. I don't have to let these things define who I am. I belive that I am keeping myself stuck in the same place because I don't know how to move forward. I have done a lot of work in order to help myself move on, and I think it's time for me to forgive. Not for them, but for me! This does not mean I will let these people back in my life, it simply means letting go of the bitterness, and anger that I hold for them and letting them go out of my head, out of my heart, and out of my life....for good!

I think that sometimes I get so focused on what has happened to me, that I forget to look at whats right in front of me. An amazing husband who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, great kids, and amazing family (on my husbands side) and a ton of great friends! I need to realize that this is all I need!

I have finally accepted that no matter how hard I try my mother and father will NEVER change, I will always be at fault, and I can see tthat now. They are not capable of love, they use, manipulate, and intimidate in order to contol people, and I just don't want that in my life anymore. I am better than that. Maybe one day they will look back and be sorry for what they have done, and what they have missed out on...hell, maybe not but at least I know that I have done everything I can to be a good daughter...it's just toooooo bad that they could never appreciate it.

Life goes on, and so will WE!

You are out of my life for a reason....stay OUT!

So as most of you already know, someone on my friends list is reading my posts and my blog and reporting back to my mother.

I don't understand what this person was expecting to accomplish, other than stirring up drama of course which is exactly what my mom likes to do, so no wonder they are friends HAHAHA. I WILL continue to write about my story, because I know that what I am doing is helping me, as well as others. So, SORRY MOM...lmao.

So after reading my blog my mom proceeds to post on her own facebook page (nevermind how I found this out lol) that I am just telling my story to anyone who will listen just to "get attention" LMAO, that is hilarious. I posted this blog on MY facebook page, for a limited group of MY friends, so how in the world am I seeking attention by trying to do something to help someone ELSE, and isn't she doing the EXACT thing that she is accusing me of, by blasting me on facebook for the whole world to see? Of course she is angry about the things I said she sure as hell doesn't want people to know what type of mother she has been. She lives in her little world of denial, so exposing her just bursted her little bubble!


Whats even funnier is about a year or so ago, my mom decided to "write a book" about her physical and sexual abuse that she suffered as a child....and she let quite a few people read this "book" so why is it ok for her to write about her experiences, but when I write about mine, I am an attention seeking drama queen?? Oh that's right....it's because she is a selfish bitch, who thinks SHE is the only person who matters.

This just makes me realize more and more that I will NEVER go back to her bullshit. She is out of my life for a reason.....so STAY OUT!

Life

I haven't updated in a little while, so I figured I would drop by and let everyone know how things are going.

As far as my past is concerned, I am still struggling with letting go of that stuff. I'm sure that will be a lifelong battle for me, but at least I'm working on it. I am realizing more and more each day that the longer I allow this stuff to bother me, the more I am allowing my abusers to win. I can never forget what happened to me, but I can at least try to live my life well and be happy...in spite of it!

I recently got a job, it is part-time right now, but I am enjoying it. I really like the people that I work with, and I enjoy the work that I am doing. The extra money is nice too. ( my husband REALLY likes that part lol) and the pay is pretty good, AND it's right around the corner from my house, and lord knows with the way gas prices are, that is an added bonus.

My anxiety has been just kinda...there lately, nothing too overwhelming so that's good. I am keeping myself busy, so maybe that is helping. Thanks again to all of you who are following me on this journey, and I appreciate all of the feedback I have been getting.

Until next time.........

Dysfunction....Denial....and Justification

I really don't want those of you who are following this blog to think that this will always just be a negative tirade about how bad my life has sucked. The things that I have dealt with, have had  a lasting impact on my mind, body, and soul. So much so,  that it is still affecting me to this day. That is why I am here. In the hopes of  "exercising the demons" so to speak. My issues are just that.....MINE and I don't want them anymore. I am a work in progress, and this is just one more step in that direction. This is my story, and it is going to take a LONG time to get to the end.

You know, I have heard that panic attacks and anxiety are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and I have also heard that it is basically a "behavioral disorder" in all the research I have done about it, I have never really came up with a clear answer. I do know that for ME I think its a little bit genetics, and a lot the way I was treated when I was growing up.

I think I got dealt a shitty hand right from the beginning. I was born into dysfunction, so I didn't stand a chance right from the start.  My dad was raised by an alcoholic father, and a crazy mother. My mother was raised by a child molester father, and an alcoholic/crazy mother. So I guess that I shouldn't be surprised at how they treated me as a child....but damn, when does it end? You can't keep using your past as an excuse to abuse people!

I mentioned early on that both of my parents were pretty young when my brother and I were born. I'm sure that things were difficult for them, having 2 kids and all by the age of 19, but that is really no excuse for their behavior. My mom was pissed off at the world, and on a daily basis she would make sure that we knew it. It didn't matter what I said to that woman....she was pissed. I cannot remember a day when I didn't get hit by her, but even to this day she will justify her actions by saying "at least you didn't have it as bad as I did" What is this, a competition for who had it the worst....I think not! I cannot understand how she can say some of this shit. She always plays the victim in ANY situation. Instead of standing up and taking responsibility for her own actions, she will always blame someone else. It is very frustrating to try to make someone see how THEIR actions have affected you, especially when that person will not accept their part in it.

 I do believe that I have  kept myself stuck in this loop of dysfunction by always wanting to know why they treated me this way, I have tried many times to discuss the past with my mother just hoping for some type of explanation or even closure.

 I  am just now (finally) realizing that what I need from them will NEVER come, but a  few months ago I was having a conversation with my mother and she actually admitted to me that she tried to smother me as a baby... that does wonders for your self-esteem let me tell you! She of course had her excuses....she always does. She was depressed, I was a bad baby and cried too much ( are you KIDDING ME) it was my dads fault because he wasn't there to help her with two kids, WHATEVER! How in the world can you JUSTIFY something like that? Well, my mother has a way of justifying ANYTHING in her own  mind.

I have 3 children, and any of you who are mothers know how difficult parenting can be. The all nighters with a sick baby, teething, bad dreams, a baby who won't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, the list goes on...BUT I can tell you this with absolute certainty I have NEVER, and would NEVER try to HURT one of my babies...and it is just RIDICULOUS that she actually tried to blame it ON ME!!! I was an INFANT, that's what babies do, they CRY...so because of that I deserved to DIE?? WOW! but again, that is just my mom trying to deflect her problems, and blame someone else. It's a never ending cycle with her. Blame, Deny, Blame, and Deny some more.

Anxious Today

I have been fighting with a lot of anxiety lately......and it sucks! I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and NOT WORRY...about anything! but NOPE, that is not EVER going to happen for me. Some days are better than others, and today is a bad day.

I really wish that there was some magic pill that could take away all of the bad/hurtful things that have happened to me in my life. I hold on to SO much CRAP, and I can't seem to just let it go. I over analyze it, and wonder why?

Why did my mom walk out on us as kids?
Why does she live in such denial, and always blame ME for all of her problems?
Why do BOTH of my parents hate me so much?
Why doesn't anyone in my family care about me or my kids?
What is so wrong with me, that my own parents can't love me?
What is so special about my brother that makes them love him and not me?
Why can't they see what a good person I try to be?
Why DON'T they care???


Why the FUCK do I waste so much time, wanting things that I will NEVER have?

I just  DON'T. UNDERSTAND.

I'm going to bed. I will try again tomorrow

My journey....(continued)

After my parents divorce we went to live with my grandparents and things got progressively worse, not just with my anxiety but my life in general. My mom moved away, and we hardly seen or heard from her after that (of course to hear her tell it, she was a GREAT mom, and was always there) HAHAHAHA! That makes me LAUGH. It amazes me how she can claim to believe such BULLSHIT. She took off after my parents divorced, and left us behind to go find a NEW man. She's always been that way, whatever man is in her life at the time becomes the most important person in her life. Her kids were, and still are dispensable.

 Yes, I realize that I am 35 yrs old with my own family now, but that is something that I think I will struggle with forever, is how my mother could just move on with her life, like I never existed.

Anyway, my dad moved us in with he parents. My grandpa was a raging alcoholic, and I mean, that man was drunk MOST of my childhood, and a lot of the time, he would be very violent. Sometimes with me and my brother, but most of his anger was aimed at my grandma, and my dad. I can remember SO many nights waking up to the sounds of people screaming at each other. When you constantly see that stuff, it really does things to your mind. I never felt safe...ever! Needless to say, my anxiety kicked in full force, and stayed that way for many years.

I was always afraid to have friends over because my grandpa was always drunk, and I didn't want my friends to know. So most of the time, my brother and I just played with our friends in the neighborhood....OUTSIDE. I had a few close friends that were aware of what was going on in my house, but only a few. I often wonder, why on earth my father would take us there, and let us live there KNOWING full well what was going to happen. My grandfather was an alcoholic even when my dad was growing up, so why on earth would he subject his KIDS to that SHIT??? I think it goes back to, when that's the only thing you know, you don't really know any better, but my brother and I suffered terribly because of it....THANKS DAD!

In my very early childhood years, I remember my grandmother being fairly normal, but that didn't last long. You see, mental illness runs in my family (go figure) my great-grandfather had Alzheimer's, and my grandmas brother was schizophrenic. I know for a fact that my grandmother had something wrong with her, but I was a kid, so I had no idea what it was. I do know this, whatever it was, made me it's target! It started out slowly...her picking on me just to make herself feel better. Then it progressed to severe mental abuse, and then physical. I would tell me dad what she was doing, but it fell on deaf ears. He never wanted to hear it, he was too busy living his own life to give a shit about what was happening to me.

I used to listen to music a lot as a kid,( I think it's one of the things that saved my life) but that was back when we had the hand held Walkmans that played cassette tapes. Anyone remember those? lol but I would sit on the couch and listen to my music, and she would come and sit down beside me, and get really close to my face and just say the most disgusting things that any human could say to another. "Nobody loves you Brandy", "You are a waste", "Your dad doesn't love you either, that's why he leaves you here with me all the time". Those are just a few of the special things that she saved JUST FOR ME, and I got to hear it almost EVERYDAY! Aren't I lucky??  It was like she was on a mission to break me...everyday, and as soon as she would see the tears running down my face, she would smile with a sense of accomplishment,  and then just get up and leave.

This went on for years, she was relentless, and she never did that stuff to my brother, it was always me...always ME. Needless to say, my self worth never existed. I always seemed to get more of the abuse than my brother did, maybe that's why he claims to not remember it...who knows. They all seemed to favor him. My mom and dad still do. He is perfect in their eyes, and can do no wrong. Me on the other hand, I'm ALWAYS wrong. I went to my dad many times, and begged him to move us out of that house, but he never did. So I put up with the abuse, I had no other choice...I was trapped in it. I just kept telling myself that I would be 18.....someday, and then I could move out, and never see any of them again. As the years passed, the abuse became more and more harsh, it was almost like she was trying to see how far she could go. There were SO many times that I contemplated suicide, but I was too scared to hurt myself, so then I started thinking of ways I could kill HER, and try to make it look like an accident. Of course I never did, but in some weird way it helped me cope.

Things were really bad, and I started having a lot more panic attacks. I would have them at school, at home...pretty much anywhere. Each one feeling just as scary as the first one. It got so bad that I actually went to my grandmother for help. I was young, I had never heard of "anxiety disorders" so I had no idea what was wrong with me. When I went to my grandmother, she actually made it worse. She told me that before too long I would be "self mutilating" and then just eventually go crazy......WHAT???

Why am I doing this??

I debated for a long time if I should put my personal life on the Internet for everyone to read, and finally came to the conclusion (obviously) that however personal the details might be, IF what I have to say could help someone else then it would all be worth it....right? Well, at least I hope so.

I am not doing this for others to feel sorry for me I have been through a lot in my life, and God knows I DON'T need pity. I am doing this for 2 reasons.

 One, to help rid my mind of all of the negativity that I hold onto. I cannot change my past, but I sure as HELL can do my best to move past it, and not let it define me anymore. Some of this blog may come across like I am bitter, and angry...but, SO BE IT! To some extent I am still very angry. I do hold a lot of resentment towards my parents. To this day my mother will still not admit to being an extremely mean, and abusive person, in her mind a lot if it just "never happened", and to give my father at least some credit, he has apologized to me for how he was when I was younger, but it's hard for me to accept his apology considering he is STILL treating me the same way. That is why I finally had to walk away from both of my parents, and my brother for that matter. All 3 of them live in this world of DENIAL...if we ignore it, it will go away. Well, the only thing that did go away, was ME. I hung in there for 34 yrs hoping that someone....something would change....It didn't! I am always the family scape goat, everything is ALWAYS my fault. I believe that it's because I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, and the control and manipulation that my family uses no longer works on me.  So here I am, telling my story to whoever will listen....on the Internet.....what has this world come to? HAHA

My second reason for doing this is simple. I want to help other people. IF I can make a difference in someones  life, than it is in fact worth letting people read the story of my past. I have gotten quite a response already, and it makes me feel great. I very much appreciate the people who have reached out to me, and supported me to keep going. YOU are why I am doing this!

My journey to.........ME (part 2)

I can remember being very young, and playing with my brother in my room, and BOOM! being overcome with the most overwhelming fear you can possibly imagine, but WHY?? I had NO idea, and often wondered what the HELL was wrong with me! Throughout my childhood this would happen to me often. I would feel like I was just going to die right there on the spot...I was convinced of it! Obviously, that never happened, but it sure felt like it was going to.

There was never any rhyme or reason for these episodes, they would just come...and go, each one leaving me emotionally exhausted., and anticipating the next one. For those of you who have never had a panic attack, let me try to  explain what it feels like. Imagine something that would scare the crap out of you.....I mean, REALLY SCARE you, now magnify that by about A MILLION! NO, I'm NOT kidding...it's is the most horrible feeling you can ever experience, and don't forget the fact that they can sometimes just come out of NO WHERE...sounds fun, right? Yeah, I don't think so either! and the symptoms that come along with an attack..oh boy! Even more fun! For me it usually starts with my heart beating so hard that it literally feels like it will beat right out of my chest, and then the tightness in my chest, it feels like I can't catch my breath, and then the tingling in my fingers, then my hands, then my arms...it's a lack of oxygen from hyperventilation...are we having fun yet?? Visit this link for a more "professional" description : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attacks


Sometimes the panic attack would be short lived (I prefer those of course, hahaha) and then other times...they would last for quite a while, now when I say quite a while...in reality, it was probably about  10-15 minutes, because the body can only sustain such a high level of fear for short periods of time, but let me tell you...just a few SECONDS of these things are more than enough, let alone....10-15 MINUTES OF IT!

Growing up with this always made me feel different, weird, strange and all that good stuff because nobody else that I knew had this problem, and if I did mention it to any of my friends they would look at me like I was crazy. For many years, I thought I WAS crazy! If I would have sleep overs at my friends houses, I would always have a panic attack at night, I think it's because I was out of my "comfort zone". There were many times when I would have to have my parents come and get me in the middle of the night....geez, I was TONS of fun as a kid!

My parents got divorced when I was around 7, and I can remember having attacks a lot right after the divorce. I always seemed to be scared...of what? Anything, and Everything. After the divorce my Dad, Brother, and Myself moved in with my grandparents ( my dads parents) and my mom moved to her own apartment. Talk about going from bad to worse............

My journey to.........ME

This is my first attempt at this "blogging" thing, so please bare with me as I am still learning.

I am writing this blog in the hopes of helping others, as well as myself. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks, a long time ago, and  I think talking about anxiety, is somewhat therapeutic (at least it is for me) so hopefully my experiences, and knowledge will help someone else out there. Feel free to make comments, I enjoy the feedback.

I guess it would be best for me to start all the way back at the beginning. Sorry, this may take some time! I was born in August of 1976...wow, that makes me 35, YIKES! Anyway, I have one sibling, Todd..who is 10 months...yes, you read that right...10 months older than me. I don't really talk to my brother anymore ( more about that later). I lived with my parents, Pam & Jack, who were very young when I was growing up. I don't talk to either of them anymore either (seeing a pattern yet)? My parents were only 19 by the time my brother and I had entered this world, maybe that was part of the problem, but my parents were both very abusive. I remember a lot of it but my brother "claims" it was just normal parenting...I DISAGREE, but I guess we all deal with things differently. In our house there was always some sort of yelling, fighting, screaming, and hitting, but I never knew anything different so that was "normal" to me. Needless to say, it caused me a lot of anxiety...although, I had no idea at that time what it really was, but  I can look back and see that I have had anxiety problems from a very young age, boy I had no idea what was to come........(to be continued)